Diary of a Preggo: 39 Weeks and counting

Yes, that's what I said: I'm 39 weeks pregnant today! I can hardly believe that I have spent almost the last year of my life pregnant, and here I am, at the home stretch.

It's been hard to keep up with much of anything in my life lately, and that includes creative pursuits like blogging. Nonetheless, if my due date is somewhat correct, I only have about a week left of being pregnant -- So I've made myself find the motivation to post tonight.

I would say the end of my pregnancy has been significantly tougher than the woes of the first trimester, but I've realized that in reality they are just different woes. 

I'm not sure I can compare the two. The third tri seems worse now because I'm in it. But if you would have asked me how I felt in the first tri, I would have talked about being absolutely miserable as well. To be honest it was just a different kind of miserable. I was pretty much unprepared for either kind of misery, but they are both tough when waddling your way through them.

So here's what I've been dealing with lately: 

• Swollen and painful fingers/joints in my fingers (sometimes I can't even make a fist when I wake up)
• Worsening swelling and pain in my feet/ankles
• Lack of sleep and worsened fatigue
• Harder to walk/off balance
• Complete inability to bend over, almost impossible to tie shoes/put on socks/wash anything lower than my waist in the shower
• Daily headaches
• Constant urination that contributes to lack of sleep
• Worsened sinus congestion (I've been dealing with that my whole pregnancy) 
• General mental fogginess and lack of memory
• Weekly doctor's visits (one that caused bleeding from a particularly painful cervical check)
• Growing out of my maternity clothes/nothing to wear.
• Shoes don't fit (even flip flops are hard to get on due to swelling)
• Worsened hormones (urge to cry, get stressed/frustrated easily)
• Strangely enough, a weird swollen/scratchy throat and larnyx that seems to almost close up when I sleep, causing snoring at night and sometimes even difficulty swallowing during the day. 
• My body is uncomfortable pretty much all the time - sitting, standing, laying, etc.

So here is a snapshot of my average night: After a couple of hours trying to find a comfortable position in a bed that always seems to be too hot, I finally fall asleep in a fitful, mouth-breathing state, only to wake up approximately 45 minutes later crazy hot with an incredible urge to pee that is painful, like the baby is bouncing her head on my bladder (which she actually is, now that she's engaged head-down). 

I get up and awkwardly roll myself out of bed, usually with an audible groan, because somehow I'm always surprised by how much my feet hurt when they touch the floor (They ache down to the bone, like to the point of limping). So I use the restroom and return to bed, only to repeat the wake/pee cycle every hour or couple of hours. And that is if I don't wake myself up from snoring/lack of breathing or numb hips from laying on my side, before the urge to pee strikes.

That kind of night schedule makes it really hard to get any solid sleep and work the next day, even though I'm only working half days at this point (doctor's orders - but only three days of work left, yay!) It's tough to get through just four hours of work - especially since my feet swell up like watermelons if I sit for longer than a half hour.

And the rest of the symptoms don't help when trying to make it through any day, even without work. Small tasks completely wear me out. Today we went to the grocery store and one more store and I was so exhausted I came home and napped for an hour. 

There is, however, some good news. My sciatica/back pain is completely gone. I've been able to manage that through weekly visits to the chiropractor and exercises. Thank God for that! Next pregnancy I will visit the chiro early on to hopefully prevent that problem.

My husband has been super helpful, cleaning and cooking and taking on a lot of the work around the house. And we've been majorly slowing our lives down, just enjoying one another on the occasional dinner/move night and staying in, cooking and freezing meals for when the baby comes.

Everything is done that needs to be done at this point: We have all the supplies/clothes/diapers, etc. that we need, car seats are installed, maternity leave planned out, all the furniture, strollers, etc., put together. That gives my mind some peace.

It's a waiting game now and believe me, we are watching the clock! I get through each painful day with the hope and joy of finally getting to meet my little girl - a day that should be just around the corner. :)

Diary of a Preggo: Dreams of Sleep

So I know this title is an oxymoron, because you can't dream without sleep. So, using the word "dreams" in the meaning of "hopes," I really "hope" to be able to sleep sometime soon. 

I have been having some major bedtime woes for about two weeks. I get up approximately 5 times a night to pee, and sometimes it's hard to fall back asleep. My little girl loves to roll around and do somersaults into my ribs at night, when she seems to be at her most active. That doesn't help.

Other nights, I have such bad restless leg syndrome that I can't fall asleep for hours. It's impossible to get comfortable when your legs/nerves are twitchy and crampy and the body pillow you can't sleep without is making you super hot. Last week, I averaged about 3-4 hours per night. For a non-morning person who normally gets a minimum o f 8 hours per night, believe me, 3 hours of sleep is NOT enough.

Not sleeping tends to enhance the stress of a already hormonal and irritated momma-to-be. It is a terrible combination, and it's been a struggle to stay positive. Through daily walks, prayer, meditation and a magnesium supplement recommended by my doctor, things were a bit better this weekend.

But I've noticed that lack of sleep has a big impact on weight - or at least what your weight looks like. I don't know why, but around the same time I started having trouble sleeping, I also started looking and feeling much puffier and retaining more water. I've dealt with swollen ankles for a while, but this is the first time I can feel the water retention in my hands and see it in my face. I know this happens to pregnant women but I see myself in a mirror and think, yikes! I feel like a big sluggish whale! I could seriously just eat and sleep all the time (....if I could just sleep).

Sometimes when I get up in the middle of the night to hit the bathroom, my feet feel painful - like stingy - and swollen just walking.

Maybe the water retention and lack of sleep aren't connected. Maybe they are both just by-products of being a month away from having a baby, I don't know. My weight, urine sugar, and blood pressure are always fine and healthy when I get my check-up. I just have to remember that.


Regardless, I'm fatigued and just worn out all the time. It's really hard to force myself to take my daily walk, and sometimes I don't make it. My feet hurt all the time, like I just worked a standing 8-hour shift, except I sit at a desk at work.

But enough complaining for now. I'm less than 5 weeks away! 
WOOHOOOO!!!

Diary of a Preggo: Let there be Light

I can’t complain that much about the third trimester. You know why? No matter how miserable you are, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

When you are miserable in the first trimester, things are just more bleak. That’s because you have like 8 months to go and are incredibly afraid that all of these symptoms are going to persist. 

Also, the baby doesn’t seem quite real back then. You aren’t showing, you aren’t telling people yet, and you still are worried about the possibility of early miscarriage. Things are just so much more exciting when you make it to the third tri. At this point, even if I go into labor prematurely, my baby has a 99% chance of survival.

So when I named a recent post “Almost There,” I meant it. That has been my mantra ever since I hit seven months. At this point I have about six weeks left, and I feel like I can get through pretty much anything for six weeks. Especially since I am finished with all of the tough, stressful things I needed to get through during this pregnancy - such as moving and directing a huge event that I am in charge of at work. I have either slowed or temporarily quit my volunteer commitments, work is virtually stress-free, and I don’t have any major pressing things to be completed in the next few weeks. 

These upcoming summer days are going to be slow-going, which is exactly what I need right now.

 In addition, the major pain I had been feeling early in my third trimester has subsided. Thanks to twice-weekly meetings with a chiropractor and physical therapy, as well as watching my physical activity, I am almost pain-free. Some days it flares up a little, but it is NOTHING compared to what it was. My physical therapist actually said she thought I may have had a slipped disc that worked it’s way back into place, and that is why I’m doing so much better. It doesn’t surprise me, based on the level of the pain I had.

Plus, in your third trimester, people see that you are very obviously pregnant. They understand that you have to walk slow and need help opening doors/carrying things. Even coworkers totally understand your need to be lazy due to fatigue and other ailments. They know why you are bloated and swollen. My boss doesn’t even blink an eye about me wearing my gym shoes to work due to not being able to fit into any other shoes.

 People sympathize with your condition, which makes a world of a difference. Even my husband, a majorly active/borderline hyperactive person, has been good at finding activities to release his energy, such as a church softball league, so that he doesn’t run me down all the time. At this point, he can’t possibly expect me to keep up with him. I wish I could, but it doesn’t matter if it’s incredibly beautiful outside, all I want to do when I get home from work is lay back and put my swollen feet up. 

Sometimes I get into bed at 9p.m., even if I’m not tired yet, simply because my body hurts and I can’t get into a comfortable position anywhere else. (I have an AMAZING body pillow – plus it’s the only quiet place to read in my current abode).

I’m also getting excited about the birth, something I could barely fathom in the first tri. Strange as it may seem, I am actually really looking forward to it. I want to see my little girl and I want to begin this new life!

 I’ve been carrying her around for so long and preparing for her arrival that I don’t care what kind of pain it will take to get her out! I’ve already reviewed my birth plan with my doctor and he was incredibly kind and accommodating about it, which only confirmed that I made a good decision sticking with him. I am giving birth in a big, beautiful new hospital with my husband by my side. A couple of months later, I am moving into a big, beautiful house that is now being built. I will be happily busying myself decorating the nursery before then.

Yes, I have some major heartburn, a little back pain, restless leg syndrome, and majorly swollen ankles. I feel fat and disgusting. I am hot all the time and tired pretty much constantly.

 But --- I see that light at the end of the tunnel.

And based on the 16-year olds I saw in my birthing class, things could be a whole lot worse. Life is good. : )

Diary of a Preggo: My Vow to My Daughter

As I get closer to the birth of my daughter, I am starting to think more about life as a parent -- what kinds of decisions I will make as a mom and how I will handle certain situations. Although having a “baby” seems to be the major focus right now, and diapers and hospitals and onesies and bottles are on my mind, I know very well that my “baby girl” will not be a baby forever.

I will be raising a human being, the most important undertaking I think I have ever embarked upon. I need to be mentally prepared for this.

Through my own experiences as a child, as well as watching others parent throughout the years, I’ve come to some conclusions about some things I’m determined to offer my daughter so that she can have a good, secure, happy life. 

I’ve also come to some conclusions on some things I will not do as a mom (admittedly some of it is based on my observations of mothers while working for a café throughout my college years, as well as working with students and parents in my current job. I’ve seen it all).

This list may not be exactly as my husband’s list would be –  he would probably add his own promises from his own perceptions and experiences in childhood, although based on our discussions it should be somewhat similar. : )

My vow to my daughter

•   I will not spoil you. We are fortunate enough to be able to give you the world, and I will want to, but I will not. You will learn a work ethic and you will learn the value of money. You will need to save up for things you want to buy, and you will need to get a job when you are of age. You will learn how to get your hands dirty, help out with chores, and wash your own car every now and then. You will thank me later.

• Your first period, first time shaving your legs, trying out makeup, wearing a bra, first high school dance date, and other female milestones, will never be a source of shame for you. We will talk about these things often and early, and we will CELEBRATE them as they happen. You will never feel embarrassed or worried to ask me or talk to me about anything.

• I will never try to be a “helicopter” parent or run your life completely. I will not force my beliefs or political opinions down your throat or try to control you. I will educate you, and teach you how to question the world around you and seek out your own answers, but you are an individual who will need to make decisions. You will need to learn how to cultivate your own beliefs, as well as how to change them if needed, and fail sometimes, and learn from your mistakes. I will support your decisions, unless of course they cause you or others harm. Especially as you grow into adulthood, I will not push my nose into your business, tell you how you have to live, or get mad at you if you don’t do things the way I want you to. If you are making a huge mistake that could hurt you, I will tell you and try to help you. But, you should not be afraid to tell me what your decisions are or how you and your adult family choose to live. I will trust what I have taught you, and understand and embrace that you have your own family now.

• You will know God from a very young age. We will cultivate a passion for goodness, a joy for life, and faith in your heart. You will understand that our family follows God’s rules, regardless of religious affiliation.

• I will never criticize or judge you for what you want to wear, who your closest friends are, your body, your personal habits, etc. This can be very damaging to your self esteem. I will guide you in the direction you need to be, and tell you if you are very off track or doing something that will cause you harm or ridicule from others, but I will never personally attack or shame you for being YOU.

• You will love learning. We have been inciting a love of learning in you from the womb, and when you are born we will be reading books to you as a baby and using every learning opportunity we can find, whether that be through play, travel, or just new experiences. We will help you learn to think through situations and assertively ask questions when you need an answer. You will not be afraid of school or feel you can’t achieve or learn something, and we will make sure support systems are in place to ensure that.

• We will try our best to raise you without fear of the unknown. You will not be afraid or hesitant to try new things. We will be engaging you in new, different, and exciting things from the time that you are small to get you accustomed to enjoying every bit of this varied and exciting world, and help you adjust to change and embrace new opportunities as an adult.

• I will never hit you out of anger. Not when I’m PMSing, not when I’m tired, not when you push all of my buttons. If you say “I hate you,” I will respond with, “I love you.” You will be disciplined, but I will not react to you in physical anger. I promise that with my life.

• You will understand and accept diversity and differences in others, as God would. You will not hear stereotypical racial, religious or ethnic profiling or hate speak in our household. You will be exposed to differences at a young age so that you do not fear people who are different from you.

• You will know what it’s like to enjoy and appreciate the wonder and beauty of nature. You will not sit in front of a TV all day or on your iPad for hours. You will go outside. We will make forts in the trees, build snowmen, walk the trails at the park, make snow angels, ride bikes, stare at cloud shapes, go canoeing, run around in the sprinkler, collect rocks and bugs and leaves and toads, make sandcastles, tell stories around the bonfire. You will know the smell of grass and dirt and fresh air. You will problem solve and use your imagination. You will be active, and I promise -- we will have tons of fun.

•  I am not going to be a pansy mom. If I say you cannot have the candy bar in the supermarket checkout line, you will not get the candy bar. Not if you have a store-wide screeching tantrum. Not if you beg me for an hour. Not if you crawl around on the floor and throw things and embarrass me. You will be disciplined for your behavior, but you will not get that candy bar. If I were to give it to you, I would be teaching you that tantrums get you what you want. Mom stubbornly sticks to her decisions, and you will learn that quick.

• I promise that even if I’m tired or not in a good mood, if you ask me to talk to you, watch you jump in the pool, look at the picture you drew, or otherwise, I will pay attention and be accessible to you. I will try my best to overcome these times to positively engage with you and be attentive, even when I’m not feeling like it.

•  I will cultivate your self-esteem and sense of confidence from a very young age. You will know that you are beautiful and okay just the way you are. You are special and unique and God made you to offer something to this world. You will never feel less than worthy or not good enough. I will do this through my own words, messages and actions, positive programs for girls, youth groups, education, etc. This is going to help you immensely when it comes to your relationship with men in the future.

• I will always advocate for you and stand up for you. You will feel secure, safe, and loved at daycare, school, home, etc. I will be present at your school and communicating often with your teachers. If other adults, teachers, students, etc., are treating you badly, I will intervene on your behalf. Even if you have done something wrong, no child deserves to be treated badly. You will learn the consequences of your actions, but I will not tolerate bullying, ridicule, or just mean treatment toward you, no matter who it is coming from. And whoever it is certainly better watch out once your father gets to them.

• I will touch you in a loving way. I will hold you, and stroke your back when you cry, and give you lots and lots of hugs. When you are very young, I will tell you I love you often. You will get to the point where you are embarrassed of me and ask me to stop, but I promise I will never stop trying. You will always know how much you are loved.

Diary of a Preggo -- Almost There!

I named this blog post "ALMOST THERE!" for a reason.

I am 31 weeks tomorrow, and the third trimester has not been nearly as kind to me as the second. They said this would happen, actually. All the books said trimester 1 is horrible, 2 is great, and 3 goes downhill fast.

However, I hoped I would avoid some of the woes of trimester three. I thought, I put in my time with all the terribleness of trimester one, right?

I was wrong.

Now, I know this entire blog I've sounded like a major whiner -- not much like my normal "optimist" personality. But to be honest this is the only outlet I have to do it. My hubby is probably incredibly tired of hearing about all my issues. He often asks "what can I do," and I never have an answer. Much of it there is no solution to. And although people are constantly asking me "how are you feeling," I'm sure they don't actually expect me to list all my negative symptoms to them. I hate to sound like a complainer.

So, I am grateful to be pregnant but I am more grateful to be ALMOST THERE, because at this point I'm pretty sure birth is the only thing that will provide me with relief.

The past week and a half the sciatica nerve pain in my buttocks that I had in the first trimester has now flared up to about twice the pain level of before. Basically my uterus is pushing on my sciatic nerve, making it and the muscles around it flare up in pain. It can start in your back and run completely down your legs, but thank God I don't have the leg part. The pain can hit you anywhere on the nerve path. Mine is in a weird spot, like the part of my lower back/hip/pelvis bone at the top part of my butt. Sometimes it's worse in one side or another and sometimes it's painful on both sides. It hurts the most when bending over and twisting. Right now it is so painful that, upon standing up after bending over to shave my legs in the shower, I experienced such a traumatic shooting pain that I screamed. Loudly. It's getting harder to walk.

Tylenol takes the edge of the pain, but does not eradicate it by any means. Every time I have to bend over (and you'd be surprised how often you do that in a day - brush your teeth, grab something out of bottom of fridge, tie your shoes, get something out of a cupboard, etc.) I have to brace myself and I dread it to the point of avoiding bending over, even if I need something. Of course, being pregnant and clumsy I drop things all the time so this does not help at all. It honestly feels like someone stabbed or shot me in the butt. That's the only way I can explain it.

I feel like I now understand what it's like for people who live with chronic pain. They must be angry and depressed all of the time, because that is honestly how I've felt. I feel helpless, and the worst part of it is that it's keeping me from staying active. I've been doing so good keeping up my exercise routine, and now I'm in so much pain that I can't fathom even sitting on a stationary bike for a little cardio.

 Last week I went for a swim (which is supposed to be good for sciatica) and it didn't hurt while I was doing it, but later that evening it hurt much worse. Walking also makes it worse. Walking and swimming are supposed to be the best exercises for pregnant women. The less I work out, the more weight I gain, which depresses me even further. I can't win.

I miss working out. I miss my old body. I miss running the most. I can't wait to run again.

Today I packed a bag and had planned to try and go to the gym. Instead the pain got worse throughout the day. I came home, laid on the couch on the side that doesn't hurt as much, put a pillow in between my legs, and closed my eyes until the Tylenol kicked in, just so I could get up and help make dinner. I was close to tears. I then took a hot bath, and it was the only 15 minutes in the past two days that I didn't feel constant pain. A few minutes after getting out of the bath, the pain was back (a tiny bit better though).

I have a physical therapy appointment tomorrow morning (which took two days of phone calls and paperwork to set up due to referral paperwork and people being out of the office), but honestly I'm not that optimistic about it. The stretches the therapist gave me to do the first trimester are no longer working. It seems to be my doctor's only solution. We'll see if she has any more tricks up her sleeve. If not, the next step is acupuncture or a chiropractor, which I've never really believed in. At this point though, I'm willing to try anything. I only have about two months to go, but two months with constant pain is two months too long.

I can deal with heartburn, fatigue, and swollen ankles (all of which has hit me this trimester); but constant pain, that I can't deal with.

And, my whining is done for the day. Thank you :)

On a positive note, we went to our birth class last weekend and got a tour of the hospital's birthing suites. All my questions got answered, and I honestly feel really good about it. I'm looking forward to the birth. I can't wait to meet her, and tell her all about these 9 months of sacrifice ; )

Diary of a Preggo: Why I'm always late to work

Why This Preggo is Always Late to Work

So, if any of you out there are thinking about becoming pregnant or have recently found out you are pregnant, I would highly suggest adding an extra hour or two to your morning schedule so you can get to work on time.

I am lucky to have a really flexible schedule and don't punch a time clock, but I still find myself getting in later than planned in the mornings now that I am further along in my pregnancy. I realized there are actually a lot of extra tasks, or slower tasks, that are taking up my time as I get bigger. Here are a few:

Five extra minutes: Just add that to your normal shower time. Twisting, turning, bending, etc., while washing is just more difficult. You will have no idea how often you do these moves showering until you are pregnant. Oh, and getting in and out of the tub is a lot more treacherous, so you have to do it carefully.

2 extra minutes: Add that to the normal shave time because attempting to shave your legs is a major, and probably eventually impossible, task.

30 seconds: Rubbing cocoa butter all over your belly.

1 minute: Recovering from running into something in the hustle of getting ready. As you get bigger, your center of gravity changes and you become more clumsy on your feet. I run into things a lot, and drop things a lot. The other day I bent over and flipped my hair over to dry it, and then went to stand up except I ran my head right into the doorknob of the open bathroom door. Ouch. Unfortunately these are common occurrences.

40 extra seconds: Tripping on your pant legs and almost falling over as you try to get dressed.

Ten extra minutes: Trying on a million outfits every day only to find you are bigger and the majority of them don't fit. When you find a pants/skirt, etc. that halfway fits, making it look presentable with either a rubber band, pants extender, or a fabric belly band to cover your open zipper, layered with the right amount of tank tops (sometimes employing all of these rigs together), is a task in itself.

3 extra minutes: The application of makeup and drying your hair while at the same time sweating all over and having to stop and wipe the sweat off (yeah, gross --- you will be hot all the time. I am about to just stop blow drying my hair at this point)

One extra minute: Putting on your shoes and tying them, which will require sitting down and some awkward yoga bent-knee positions.

Five to ten minutes: Preparing a nutritious breakfast, because a pop tart out the door or "no breakfast" will not cut it when you are preggo.

20 extra seconds: Climbing awkwardly in and out of your car.

Depending on your work location, one extra minute: Walking through the parking lot and up the stairs to my building (I used to be a major speed walker)

And let's add one more extra minute before I start my actual work: Chugging water and recovering from being completely out of breath from walking to my office.

If you try to do all of this at the gym locker room, it's even worse (navigating others, dealing with hairdryers that short out so you have to bend down and crawl under counters to re-plug them, not having adequate places to sit down, sweating, hearing gross noises or smells that make you want to puke, etc.) I am actually becoming fond of going to the gym after work, which I hated before, just so I don't have to get ready there.

Regardless, pregnancy is a good sacrifice, and you find what works for you. Pretty soon though, my hubby is going to be shaving my legs. Either that or he better get comfy with a hairy woman :)

Diary of a Preggo: Pregnancy Myths

So I know I haven't written in a while. I am now 26 weeks - towards the end of my second trimester, and frankly, things have been pretty uneventful. I've also been pretty crazy busy at work so I guess I took my mind off of pregnancy things for a bit.

The second trimester has honestly been fantastic. I really feel like myself - and most of the time I have tons of energy. I'll have off days where I can't stop yawning and am still pretty worthless past 9 p.m., but for the most part I'm good to go. I'm even still able to get to the gym, using a maternity support belt. And I haven't been sick at all. I really hope this lasts!

I also went to physical therapy to work on my back/hip pain issues and it helped quite a bit. The therapist gave me stretches that I do every day at home, so I don't even have to go in there anymore. The other great part is feeling her kicking inside me constantly. It's just a reminder that there is this amazing being inside of me that I get to meet and shower my love upon very soon! She's very active, even the doctor has commented on how much she always kicks and pushes away from the doppler when he is trying to listen to her heart. I'm guessing that's a good thing ;)

Here is one thing I have noticed lately: The  things everyone told me I'd get to enjoy this trimester are really not happening. I guess in my case they are pregnancy "myths."

Here are a couple:

You will have AMAZING hair!

Okay, so my hair is the same. It is not thicker or shinier. In fact, it is probably more dry and straw-like. This is in no way amazing. It is, on the other hand, the complete opposite of the greasy hair I had in the first trimester, so I guess I should count myself lucky.

You will have AMAZING nails! 

My nails are not amazing. Maybe, they might grow a teeny tiny slightly bit faster. But other than that they are not stronger or thicker or super-growing. They are just normal nails. With dry cuticles.

You will GLOW!

Nope, I am not glowing. I'm not sure if that is just something people tell pregnant women so they feel better when they are all hot and puffy (Glow=sweat?), but it doesn't seem to be happening here. The funny part is I've actually had a couple of people tell me I'm glowing, when I know that in fact, I am not. My skin is the same, except it breaks out a little more. Unless I'm working out, I'm not flushed or red. Believe me, I own a mirror, and there is no natural bronzer on this face!

On the positive side, I've also (so far) not had even an inkling of some the other horrible things people said I might get (Can you say hemmorhoids?) Thank God for that. The worst thing I've dealt with in this trimester is a little swelled ankles when I stand or sit too long. That I can handle.

I guess that's all for now. I'm sure I'll be posting more in the third trimester - when things (i.e., me) start to get obnoxious and big!

Diary of a Preggo: Becoming Helpless

Diary of a Preggo: On what it feels like to become helpless

Lately I've had a hard time putting my shoes on, painting my toenails, or even stepping into pant legs. My uterus will be the size of a basketball in about a week, and that makes my back less flexible and bending over uncomfortable. I find this particularly annoying, and again, a symptom that no one ever seemed to mention pre-preggo. Being that I'm 5 and a half weeks, that means this is going to get much worse as my baby grows. So I can totally picture having to ask my hubby to help me put my shoes on later on in pregnancy.

Which brings me to the current topic at hand. I really don't enjoy feeling helpless and not being able to do some of the things I did before. Sure, I always found it nice and manly when a guy would hold open a door for me or lift something heavy. But it was just that - nice. It excused me from having to exert myself. But in most cases, except when something is really heavy, I probably could have done it myself. I mean, a door? Sure. I haven't found one I can't open yet. But as I get further and further in my pregnancy my body just seems weaker, and I'm definitely more off balance. The other day I was carrying something and tried to open the door at the same time and I pulled something in my already-painful back. Yea, I know, that's pathetic, but it is reality now. Sometimes people jump to try and help me with things, and I feel bad or embarrassed. I'm finally coming to terms that I do need their help, though.

Let me give you one example. For work I had to visit and oversee the videotaped interview of a 95-year old priest. He is nearly blind and walks with a cane and asked for some help getting back to his office. Surely he couldn't tell I was pregnant, but that didn't matter as my head sometimes forgets that my body is not in the best shape to be helping people around. So of course I agreed. He placed his hand on top of my shoulder and put a suprisingly heavy amount of weight on me and my knees locked in disagreement. As I shuffled around a couple of corners toward his office I felt increasingly off-kilter and even ran into the corner of a table (ouch).  I had pictures running through my head of me collapsing, along with that table and the poor blind priest. Lucky the man above was on his side and that didn't happen. But, that's what I get for trying to help out. Something like that would have been no problem pre-preggo!

Then yesterday, it was the first nice spring day and I was off work for Good Friday so I decided to take the dog around the lakes on campus. That was going to be my workout for the day so I thought I'd run around the lake once (1 mile) and then walk around it the second time. I didn't think much about the fact that pretty much my whole pregnancy, the little running I've been doing has been on a treadmill, which is very different than road running. I was just so happy to be able to run outside again, and I had one of those belly support belts so I thought it would be no problem. I started out fine, but towards the end my quads felt numb and my knees hurt bad. It's just a different type of impact and uses different muscles. Then when I got home and got in the shower, I looked down at my feet and they were all purple and veiny (sorry, gross). I was totally shocked and it freaked me out. That went away after a while but my ankles hurt and then when I went to the mall after, my feet hurt like crazy as if I'd been standing for ten hours. I decided I should either stick to the treadmill or at least work my way up again to road running slowly. I know eventually I will have to stick to power walking, but at least for now I'd like to continue running for as long as I can.

I guess the moral of the story here is that pregnancy is a total out-of-body experience. And it does make a woman completely helpless in some cases. I guess coming to terms with that is hard for me. I wanted to believe I'd be able to do everything I could do before, maybe just a bit slower. But I was wrong.

It's amazing how fast it's gone by. I am officially more than half of the way through, and before I know it, I will be holding my baby, rendering me even MORE helpless. So to those guys that hold doors and carry things, I say thank you. I need you now more than I ever thought I would. :)

Diary of a Preggo: Baby Kicks

Diary of a Preggo: Baby Kicks

Well it's been a wonderful week. My ultrasound has confirmed that my baby and everything else is healthy, I found out I'm having a little girl, and she has been kicking around a lot lately. It's a magnificent reminder of all that is in store in this new phase of my life. And it makes everything I've been through so far so very much worth it.

When I first felt her moving around, that is the first moment that I actually believed 100% there is a living, thriving life inside me. It's beautiful and scary and relieving and mind-blowing all at the same time.

It's so incredibly weird to be walking around for 4+ months knowing you are pregnant but not feeling it, and sometimes not even looking it. I mean sure, I was having all kinds of crazy symptoms, and I haven't had a period for a while, but a human life form growing inside of my body?

 Really?

 I am capable of that somehow?

I spent so much time wondering why I wasn't showing much, thinking maybe the baby had died inside me or wasn't growing on schedule. Worrying that there must be something flawed about the process and my body couldn't possibly be capable of such a complex undertaking.

I even bought a fetal heart doppler so I could check to see if the heart was still beating now and then. Then when I heard it, I would freak out thinking it was too fast, or too faint, or too slow.

When you can't see, feel, or hear something, it's just so hard to believe it exists, even though all of medical science and a blood test and my doctor confirms it does, in fact, exist.

I guess it's the same thing as faith. You trust God is there for a variety of reasons, even if you can't see him or always feel his presence. And what I've found is eventually that faith is in fact confirmed.

When I first felt her kicks, I felt foolish for all that worrying I had done. The baby was there all along. Just like my faith, although at dark times in my life I've felt that was missing as well.

If anything, feeling this baby move inside me has confirmed my faith, confirmed everything wonderful I thought I knew about this world and this life. It's like rediscovering some sort of magical naive wonder, believing in things I haven't believed in for so long.

Yes, it is possible. Yes, I am capable of this.

Look around, every person on this planet - billions of them - was birthed by a woman. That's the only way they could have gotten here. As I type, the baby is moving all around and poking me as if she knows I write for her.

A reminder to keep the wonder. Remember the magic. Trust in your faith.

Never stop being amazed by the beauty all around us, and inside of us.

Diary of a Preggo: Being sick while preggo

The Joy of Being Sick While Preggo

So, Eve ate the forbidden fruit and Adam went along like the fool he was. According to the story of creation, that is why we women now bear the excruciating pain of child bearing.

Well, thanks a lot, Eve. This post is dedicated to you.

But first: Although you may not be able to tell from these posts, I am incredibly grateful to be carrying a child and happy that I am healthy and physically able to do so. It took us a little longer than planned to get pregnant, and it’s been a life-long dream of mine to be a mom. I know this will be fulfilling in every possible way, and I am so grateful and blessed that it worked out for us.

However, as you’ve read in my previous posts, this pregnancy has been no walk in the park. Or run in the park….in the rain, for that matter. So this blog happens to be a perfect place to air my complaints. I'm sure once the baby comes the posts will be sprinkles with happy baby and mom stories. I'm just not there yet.

I’ve realized that being sick while you are pregnant must be some sort of torture, a pain so incredible that can only be designed to punish Eve. I’m sure it’s nothing compared to the actual act of childbirth, but at least that only lasts a day or so, while I’ve lost about a month total to different sicknesses while pregnant (And I’m only halfway through!)

My first trimester, on top of being incredibly nauseous and tired, I also got a nasty sinus infection. I missed my husband’s work Christmas dinner and my head was in so much pain one night I was literally holding a heating pack on it and crying. Of course I could not take anything else but Tylenol and we all know Tylenol is a joke – it did nothing. It’s the first time in my life I’ve been in so much pain I was scared. I felt like I was having a panic attack and I was afraid my baby could feel how stressed and scared I was. I’ve always struggled with sinus issues in the past but I’ve been able to take decongestants, mucinex, and Advil sinus, which took away the pain and cleared it up quick. Nope, can’t have any of those while you are pregnant. And instead of knocking myself out to sleep with Nyquil, I struggled to sleep trying to mouth-breath since I couldn’t breathe out of my nose.

Fast forward to the second trimester. I’m feeling much better and my energy is up. But right when I get back on a workout schedule and start getting some sense of normalcy back, I get hit with a nasty cold virus, which then turns into bronchitis, which then morphs into another sinus infection. Wowza. I coughed so much my entire throat, esophagus, and lungs deep in my chest felt like they were on fire and swollen. A couple of Advil would have taken care of that swelling easily, but no. When I did get on a pregnancy-safe antibiotic, my throat got better but lo and behold, my nose closed up. I seriously went through an entire box of Kleenex in four days. I’m still dealing with it now, and although I’m a bit better, two weeks later and I’m still coughing sometimes and dealing with bouts of teeth pain and sinus headaches. Last night, my husband pushed me out of a blissful sleep to tell me I was snoring. 

If you are pregnant, you know it’s hard to fall asleep in the first place. And the minute you get woken up you have to get up to pee, which means by then you are going to have a hard time falling back asleep. Hello, I was snoring because I can’t breathe out of my nose. I don’t really have a choice in that. Sometimes I wish he could be pregnant…just for like a week or two…seriously.

Let me also add that I’ve been this sick even though I am a healthy person with healthy habits. I wash my hands often, have hand sanitizers in my car, purse, and office and use them frequently, take several vitamins daily, eat fresh fruits and vegetables, exercise, drink lots of water, etc. etc. So there is no fathomable reason for me to be getting this sick unless it has to do with immune system changes due to pregnancy.  Just Googling “pregnant and have a cold” gave me solace as there are thousands of women out there struggling in a panic with the same problems. Yet another crazy symptom!

I know once the weather clears I will start to feel better, but this sick stuff is starting to get ridiculous. Can I pretty please just spend the second half of my pregnancy healthy? 

I swear, I will not make my husband eat the fruit!

Diary of a Preggo: Pregnancy makes people forget their manners

 Pregnancy Makes People Forget their Manners!

Now that everyone knows I am pregnant (18 weeks), I’ve noticed some strange reactions from well-meaning people.

For example, shortly after the “congratulations” go around, some women love to start talking about my weight. Now, I haven’t gained much yet - the normal amount of weight for being this far along. But even before I’d gained a couple pounds, women started focusing on weight as soon as they found out I was pregnant.

I’ll need to give you a little history here which explains why this bothers me so much. Since shortly after high school, I’ve struggled with my weight. I gained a little in college and spent a couple years kind of chubby before figuring out it was the stupid birth control shot I was on. As soon as I got off that, the weight melted off in like two months without changing anything. But that time period was still damaging to my self-esteem. I spent the next 8-9 years as happy and skinny as could be, without even exercising. Then my marriage and finances started to take a downhill turn and I became depressed. I could tell my metabolism had also slowed as I neared 30 years old. What do you know, the weight started coming back on, a little bit every month. I made some feeble attempts at exercising but didn’t have a gym membership or a gym buddy, so it was hard to stay motivated. Every time I tried to run, treadmill or not, my exercise induced asthma kicked in after 10 or less minutes and I quit.

Instead I started surviving on carrots, slim fast shakes, protein water and the occasional yogurt, eating like 800-1,000 calories a day. I was starving and miserable all the time and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t lose even a pound. After seeing a nutritionist and fitness experts years later, I learned I had actually broken my metabolism by eating less than half the calories I should have been taking in every day. Plus, being so hungry and depressed makes it really hard to get motivated to workout. If I had eaten enough calories of nutritious food plus practiced a good workout plan, I’m sure I would have been able to lose the weight. But I had no idea what I was doing and was too emotionally traumatized with everything in my life weighing on me to figure out how to fix it.

When I finally made the decision to separate from my ex-husband, I made a lot of other big, life-changing decisions. I would do whatever I could to not be back in that horrible place. Some of the weight melted off immediately, probably just a reaction to not being in crazy stress 24-7. I also talked to my doctor to figure out why I couldn’t breathe when I ran. I signed up for fitness classes and went to the gym by myself, even though I felt totally incompetent there. I started running outdoors, with the help of my new inhaler, and forced myself to push through the hard moments when I  thought I couldn’t breathe after one block. Getting away from negative influences and finding newfound hope in life gave me the happiness and peace to be able to sleep at night, giving me more energy during the day. I started getting interested in nutrition, and read up on how to eat right. I may have been broke and in a small apartment, but I had cheerios, laughing cow wedges, and drawers full of fresh fruits. My apartment gym was a walk away; I always ran there and back. I made new friends who were fitness oriented. I made sure any guy I even thought about dating was also active and interested in fitness. I needed a life partner who had the same goals as I did.

And what do you know, the pounds continued to melt off. Fast forward two years, and I’m at my happy weight, doing triathlons and 5K’s and married to a wonderful man who takes bike rides and runs with me daily.

With that history, you can see why I am a little sensitive when it comes to weight. I’ve always been careful about what I eat and would never call myself lazy, regardless of the couple of times I have gained weight. But it hasn’t been easy for me. I have never been the kind of girl that can eat dessert regularly or not pick and choose every little thing that goes into my mouth.  At  5’2 I am petite but also short and stout, so even two extra pounds is obvious on my small frame. Some women haven’t worked out a day in their life and stay skinny. Me, I have logged everything that goes in my mouth in a food journal for like two years. I work out most days a week, and if I didn’t, I would gain weight, even while eating healthy. But instead of taking the hand life dealt me and focusing on how “unfair” that is, I fight back with fitness and nutrition.

Normally, it wouldn’t be socially acceptable for people to walk up to me for no reason and say “how much weight have you gained?” or other comments on my body. But for some reason when I am pregnant, women think they can make rude comments like this all the time.

Women, hear me: Someone’s pregnancy does not give you a license to talk about their weight or give them unsolicited opinions on pregnancy weight gain. It’s rude. If anything, pregnancy is a time when women are even more sensitive about their weight. If they are like me and spent their whole life trying to keep it off, the prospect of gaining it on purpose, even if you have to for the baby, is incredibly scary.

The one I hear the most is “I gained 60-70-80 pounds when I was pregnant, that was such a mistake. I was stupid. It was SO hard to get it off. I’ll never do that again. Don’t be like me. Don’t eat everything in sight...”

Seriously?

How much of an idiot do you think I am? Of course I would never “eat everything in sight” or gain 60 pounds on purpose! What an insult to my intelligence! I mean yes I am much hungrier than usual, which is normal, but I’m eating a lot of protein shakes and healthy foods and not like entire pans of brownies (like Jenny McCarthy said she ate every day in her pregnancy book – yikes).

The only reason I may gain a few more pounds than I’d like is due to decreasing my exercise level. My first trimester I could hardly move and even now, though I’m back into a workout schedule, I often have back pain or other sickness that prevents me from doing as much for as long as I’d like. Even on the bad days I will sometimes force myself to power walk on a high incline for 40 minutes or do a yoga DVD, but that’s nothing compared to the almost daily 5k’s I was running in my neighborhood.

However, even if I do gain more than planned, I will be back at a major diet and fitness routine as soon as my doctor says I can. I’m already signed up for a 5K in October, giving me two months to train. I already have not one, but TWO jogging strollers given to me by friends and family. (one that has seats for two kids)To be honest, I’m only 4 and a half months and chomping at the bit to get back to my normal workout routine. And, I’ll be burning 500 calories a day breastfeeding. So suck on that.

I’ve also heard this a couple times: “I only gained 15 pounds. Just because the doctor says to gain 30, you don’t need to do that. Back in my day, pregnant women didn’t gain that much.”

Please, don’t pretend to be smarter than my doctor. The only way I could gain that little is by dieting, which is dangerous during pregnancy. I am not underfeeding myself so that my baby can leach calcium from my bones and cause me osteoporosis in later life. Babies will find a way to get proper nutrition to survive, it’s science. And modern science has seriously evolved since “back in your day.”

Oh, and with all due respect, shut up.

Last but not least, for those women I hear going around telling everyone in earshot how much weight they gained during their pregnancy and how dumb they were, I’ve noticed that each and every one of them are at a healthy weight. Not one person who has come up to me and said that was slightly chubby or overweight. So, obviously it was a temporary situation for them and not the end of their life.

So please, women, stop running your mouth and trying to scare the crap out of already sensitive first-time pregnant women.

And if you ask me “how much have I gained,” I will smile politely and say something vague, because I am not going to give you that answer. It’s none of your business.

Diary of a Preggo: Weird Symptom Day

Weird Symptom #1: Feeling like everyone wants to murder the hell out of me.

(Because sometimes pregnancy symptoms are so strange, they need further explanation.)

Okay. So I choose to believe this symptom is not just a side effect of my crazy self, but instead my elevated maternal brain that is now wired to keep my infant safe. I don’t know, but it is definitely a huge difference from my former somewhat rebellious/fearless self.

So here’s one example. When I’m in a parking lot, daytime or night, I’m pretty sure any person that comes near me or any person surreptitiously sitting in a running car -- male, female, teenager, whatever -- is planning on stabbing me to death and/or dousing me with a bucket of acid (yes, I read too much weird Yahoo news).

I used to be scared of men in parking lots raping me, and now I’ve jazzed it up a notch because I don’t seem to be too worried about rape. Nope, I am pretty sure they all want to kill me. Don’t they dare even hold my stare too long or I’m about to start running in the other direction. Or hurt them with my pepper spray or pointed metal thing attached to my key ring … or blow the really loud whistle also attached to my keyring and embarrass myself when they were just an innocent walking person.

Then there are those scary public places with lots of people. When I’m in a movie theater, or mall, or high school, or pretty much any place where there have been mass shootings, I think one is going to happen when I’m there. I look for the exits and think of spots that I will dive for cover. I ponder the thought in my mind: If I am face-to-face with a gunman, will I tell him I’m pregnant and beg for my life, or will that make it worse and make him want to kill me more since he is obviously trying to create enough destruction to make him famous?

Yes, I’ve played out that not helpful scenario in my head more than once.

Also, if I am anywhere near a driving car – it could be like 500 meters down the road – I am pretty sure it is going to run me over, maybe even purposefully. I look at a car and hesitate like a million times before I cross a road or busy traffic area. They probably just think I’m nuts since I’m not visibly pregnant. But regardless, I am pretty sure everyone on the road is a drunk and/or reckless driver who wants to kill me.

One time, very early in pregnancy, I almost had a major anxiety breakdown because a speeding driver ran through a red light two cars in front of me and my husband (a few more seconds and it would have barreled into us!!), and then it ran into a light pole and careened into a building. The light pole fell, and a sparking fire fountain like the fourth of July replaced it. Now, I was a little shook up but doing okay because it wasn’t very close to me. All we had to do was proceed through the intersection and keep going, since it was to the right of us and a little down the road.

No problem, right? That is what any normal person would do – get away from the accident.

 NO.

All of the sudden my hubby, against my very stringent and pleading advice, decided he was going to TURN RIGHT and DRIVE in the DIRECTION of the ACCIDENT and FIRE, because “someone might need help.”

Well good Lord I needed help after that. I thought HE was trying to kill me. I freaked out on him so hard, I was shaking and screaming at him to turn around until he finally pulled into a parking lot across the street and got out of the car to walk over to the accident. 

No, thank you very much, I did not feel like hanging out near a car that might explode. Nor did I think it was a good idea in my nauseous state to see some mangled bloody body crawling out of a car.

“Now is NOT the time to be a hero!” I told him. “Someone else will help them! Do not drive towards accidents and fire with your pregnant wife in the car!”

Now, maybe I was being selfish, I don’t know. Hormones don’t always make for sane behavior.

 But I do know I felt like I was going to puke and cry for the next two hours and it was on Thanksgiving and that was not fun.

Funny note, later on the news it said that the driver of that vehicle was pregnant, transporting a man with an urgent medical situation to the hospital. (Miraculously, they were okay.)

Who does that, anyway? Not this pregnant lady. Too dangerous. You better call an ambulance with your injured self!

Diary of a Preggo: A snapshot of daily life

December 19, 2012 (7 weeks, 4 days)

I jotted down these notes in my paper journal in December, so I thought it would be funny to share them here as a snippet of an “average day” of my first trimester. Enjoy J

•  Woke up @ 5:50 a.m. for no reason.
• Refused to get up that early and instead watched hubby get ready and leave for gym.
•  Attempted to fall back asleep for another 20 minutes.
• Failed.
• Got up feeling queasy and hungry at the same time so immediately downed a glass of milk with carnation instant breakfast powder and a hostess donut stick (damn hubby for buying those things!)
•   Got back in bed and fell into a weird half-asleep state for another half hour.
•   Got up and put dirty hair in a ponytail to run to campus and get in line for some football team signature tickets hubby wanted. Drank decaf coffee in the cold pretending it was caffeinated.
•   Got tickets @ approx 8:15 a.m.
•   Hungry again so went through McDonald’s drive through to get an egg McMuffin.
• Went back home and ate it with orange juice.
•  Took a hot shower because I was so incredibly cold.
•  The hot shower made me incredibly tired and so I got back in bed with wet hair and a robe on and fell back into a fitful sleep for approximately another half hour.
•  Woke up. Gave in and slammed a cup of Earl Gray tea because I needed some sort of caffeine just to get moving.
•  Got ready for work.
• Worked in a fog-like state from 10:30-7:45.
•  Ready for a nap @ 4p.m. Stared listlessly at internet instead.
•   Went home exhausted and went to bed at 9:30 p.m.

Diary of a Preggo Introduction

Diary of a Preggo Introduction: Finding out you’re pregnant and why first trimester sucks

I’m in my second trimester of pregnancy! Now that I’m feeling better, I’ll be blogging about my experience. Sorry, it’s not all pretty. But it will be honest. And hopefully funny at times.

Holy Crap.

It worked? Is there really a baby in there?

In a nutshell, those were pretty much my first thoughts when seeing the faint positive sign on the test. 

Granted, it was a happy “holy crap.” I mean, I’d been waiting for that test to finally become positive for what seemed like forever. But soon, that happy holy crap quickly turned into a holy crap, holy crap.

Let me be more specific: It doesn’t matter how long you try to have a baby or how long you’ve discussed names and dreamed of decorating nurseries, the moment you find out you are actually pregnant, the next moment involves a minor freak out.

How am I going to pay for this?
How am I going to be off work for three months?
How am I going to give my baby to daycare strangers and go back to work?
What if I have a miscarriage or genetically abnormal baby?
What if my husband decides to leave me?
What if I get fat? 

What if I’ll be a terrible mother?
Will I ever get to have any fun anymore?

And that is just a small percentage of some of the crazy things that start whirling around in your head. If you’re like me you get over these thoughts pretty quickly and move on to the acceptance and excitement phase.

If you’re like my husband, you go into instant denial and think a faint-line-is-not-really-a-line, so you’ll make sure by waiting for the blood test. But then again the way men deal with pregnancy is a whole different blog that I’m definitely not qualified to write. J (FYI, now he is very excited and even installed a “dad app” on his phone to track my pregnancy!)

Soon after your freak-out moments and subsequent mental bliss, you then hit the reality of the physical and mental issues that are the first trimester. (Picture the words “first trimester”’ spoken by a loud, deep, booming voice like that of a scary movie trailer announcer. That is because I’ve been through it and it really was like a scary movie.)

Women always talk about being sick to their stomach. That is literally the only thing I had heard about in regards to first trimester side effects. But in reality there is so much more.

There is the insane tiredness that is not just sleepy tiredness, but also a constant fatigue that makes you want to become one with the couch all day long and makes any small task seem incredibly stressful and insurmountable. For me, it truly felt like a mental and physical depression.

Forget motivation of any sort, forget things that used to be easy like cleaning or painting your toenails or putting on eyeliner. Nope. Too hard, don’t care. Exercise? Psshht. Walking up a flight of stairs? Didn’t matter that I’ve ran triathlons, I was out of breath at the top.

There is the incredibly embarrassing acne that you can do “nothing” for, according to my doctor.  

There is being ridiculously cold all the time.

The insane boob pain. Seriously...I could not even accidentally rub against the armchair of the couch. Searing pain.

The bloating. The dry mouth. The constant dizziness and lightheadedness and, if you get it bad like I did, the possibility of blacking out and fainting in public.

Waking up at 4 a.m. for no reason with a painful kind of hunger/nauseous feeling in your stomach – two feelings that really don’t go together. 

The crazy cramps and other painful twinges that you get as your uterus grows. The smells that make you want to puke on everyone for daring to bring that nasty smell near you (fish, body odor, cleaning fluids, etc.).

Don’t forget about the lower back pain that hurt so bad it prevented me from bending over to pick something off the floor or grab something from the bottom of the fridge.

Oh and the jackpot - the greasy hair that hit me in month two that regular shampoo would not wash out no matter what I did. (the answer – Dawn dishsoap. Thank God for pregnancy advice forums).

 Last but definitely not least, you get these fabulous pregnancy hormones that make you feel incredibly sensitive and vulnerable so you cry for no reason.

Add to all of that the fact that even though all of these things are on your mind constantly, you can talk to NO ONE about what you are going through because you aren’t telling people until the second trimester (if you’re like me and have miscarried before), and that makes you become seriously anti-social.

 Also if you get sick (like of course I did) you cannot take medicine for any colds, sleeplessness, or aches and pains. Plus you have no obvious baby bump so you get sympathy from no one and everyone at work probably thinks you are a forgetful lazy slob who stopped putting eyeliner on.

And then you have those women who tell you how perfectly fine they were in their pregnancies. No, no, they were never sick to their stomach, and they ran five miles a day up until nine months …. acne? Haha, they laugh, of course not. Oh, and they only gained 12 pounds even though the recommended amount is 30-35 pounds.

Trust me, these women will make you want to punch them.

I absolutely love it when someone says to me, “I was sick my ENTIRE pregnancy,” because it makes me feel more normal. I've had people tell me they missed tons of work in their first trimester, and that makes me feel better too. I may have been late a few times, but I never called in sick purely because of pregnancy symptoms.

Now, my disclaimer here is that pregnancy is different for everyone. So apparently some women really are fine in their first trimester. But a lot of women aren’t. So this is my story. And it can be summed up in one sentence: I was not myself.

Now that I’m in the second trimester and am feeling better every day, I still look back and think I have no idea who that person was. It was like I was just in survival mode, walking around in a fog. I kept saying I hoped I had twins because we are only having two and I did not want to be pregnant ever again. Thankfully, I discovered ginger pills which took away a large majority of the nausea early on.

Some things haven’t gone away though. 

The wild hormones, for example, pop up randomly here and there in the form of a short temper or grumpiness or this weird laugh-cry thing I do when something is funny (but not that funny to warrant crying). But it’s not constant. Sometimes I have good, happy, energetic days -- more like my old self.

The tiredness still plagues me. If I’m busy or running all day or if it’s past 7 p.m., I can fall asleep like nothing. In fact it’s tough to do anything after 7-8 p.m. because all I do is yawn and think about being in bed. Sometimes I take a mid-day nap on a weekend if I can’t fight it anymore. (I was not a napper pre-pregnancy). 

However, the horribly lack of energy, motivation, and constant fatigue has dissipated. So has the majority of the acne J

And that is my sob story. Apparently my hair and nails are about to get amazing, and the second trimester is about to be the “best part of my pregnancy.”

Let’s hope those stories are true!