Diary of a Preggo: Baby Kicks

Diary of a Preggo: Baby Kicks

Well it's been a wonderful week. My ultrasound has confirmed that my baby and everything else is healthy, I found out I'm having a little girl, and she has been kicking around a lot lately. It's a magnificent reminder of all that is in store in this new phase of my life. And it makes everything I've been through so far so very much worth it.

When I first felt her moving around, that is the first moment that I actually believed 100% there is a living, thriving life inside me. It's beautiful and scary and relieving and mind-blowing all at the same time.

It's so incredibly weird to be walking around for 4+ months knowing you are pregnant but not feeling it, and sometimes not even looking it. I mean sure, I was having all kinds of crazy symptoms, and I haven't had a period for a while, but a human life form growing inside of my body?

 Really?

 I am capable of that somehow?

I spent so much time wondering why I wasn't showing much, thinking maybe the baby had died inside me or wasn't growing on schedule. Worrying that there must be something flawed about the process and my body couldn't possibly be capable of such a complex undertaking.

I even bought a fetal heart doppler so I could check to see if the heart was still beating now and then. Then when I heard it, I would freak out thinking it was too fast, or too faint, or too slow.

When you can't see, feel, or hear something, it's just so hard to believe it exists, even though all of medical science and a blood test and my doctor confirms it does, in fact, exist.

I guess it's the same thing as faith. You trust God is there for a variety of reasons, even if you can't see him or always feel his presence. And what I've found is eventually that faith is in fact confirmed.

When I first felt her kicks, I felt foolish for all that worrying I had done. The baby was there all along. Just like my faith, although at dark times in my life I've felt that was missing as well.

If anything, feeling this baby move inside me has confirmed my faith, confirmed everything wonderful I thought I knew about this world and this life. It's like rediscovering some sort of magical naive wonder, believing in things I haven't believed in for so long.

Yes, it is possible. Yes, I am capable of this.

Look around, every person on this planet - billions of them - was birthed by a woman. That's the only way they could have gotten here. As I type, the baby is moving all around and poking me as if she knows I write for her.

A reminder to keep the wonder. Remember the magic. Trust in your faith.

Never stop being amazed by the beauty all around us, and inside of us.