Friday, February 18, 2011

Future of the blog

All frogs aside, as I continue to head in a direction of mindful peace, I am going to continue writing this blog a bit differently than I have in the past.

When I started this, I was in a place of tragedy upon tragedy, so most of the posts were about overcoming tragedy. Even long before my marriage ended, it seemed I was in a constant place of crisis (and I was).

I heard somewhere that if you live your life and act in ways not in accordance with your thoughts or beliefs, you will never be happy (actually I think this is a Buddhist belief, maybe from the Tao) and that is what I was doing – my actions were not in accordance with my beliefs. I was living in a place and in a life I no longer belonged in. The person I was with did not even have the same beliefs as I did – about anything. Including how we lived our day-to-day lives. Because of trying to do what was “right” and following through on commitments, I tried to make a round peg fit in a square hole. The longer I kept up this charade, the more I became unhappy. I became an expert on changing my thoughts to make myself “feel” happy and finding ways to improve my own life, but what I didn’t realize is that the foundation of the house had crumbled, and with it I was denying myself the happiness that was waiting out there for me. No matter how many coats of paint or reinforcement I tried to smather on the situation, those walls were destined to fall. And they fell hard.

Of course, after the walls fell I still had plenty more crisises to deal with. I was learning and using techniques to deal with the crisis bit by bit. As I found a safer place where I was recovering from the situation and moving away from it (with legal protection from HIM), that is when I started to write. Most of my writing dealt with my suffering and techniques to help others overcome it. And it was also therapeutic for me to write down my thoughts.

However, I am not in a place anymore of tragedy upon tragedy rocking the metaphorical boat of my daily life. I have pieced my life back together, over a year later. I am still taking new steps to change my life for the better day after day. I am honest with myself now, and my beliefs and actions are in accordance. Amazing how long it took to climb out of my difficult situation, yet how quickly wonderful things now fall upon my life like raindrops, drenching me in blessings.

So, the blog will be thoughts, things happening in my life, entertaining stories, travels, and any other poetic musing I feel the need to share. Some entries will still have Mara undertones as Mara is always present but not controlling my life, but it won’t be focused on Mara. This will help me to post more often – about happier things, lighter things, things consistent with my current life.

I hope you keep reading :)

As the snow banks melt, so does my heart

So much is happening in my life lately I can’t keep up on the blog. I usually have to have some sort of focus, a common thread, some nagging thought that keeps popping up in the dark of night or wee hours of the morning….a thought that starts making more sense in my head, turning into an idea that turns into a blog entry.

But lately I haven’t been able to focus my thoughts, reflect, or make sense of much because life is moving SO FAST. It’s not a bad thing, because all of the things happening so fast are good, positive things. Things I’d always dreamed of. (Just a few: I’m engaged to a wonderful man, almost all my debt is paid off, my old house is being sold, I’ve moved into a beautiful house, I’m in the best health of my life as I’m training for a triathlon, my masters degree is almost complete, we are planning a trip to Tahiti, etc. etc.)

Sometimes I tend to over-reflect, and over-emotionalize things. Sometimes it’s good to just let things happen, to remember that God is the wizard behind the curtain and you need not fret. His plan is unfolding before my eyes, and I’m amazed and in awe of it. I am like an audience member in my own movie theater – and I actually like the movie. I know that all is well. So again, it's not a bad thing that I haven't stopped to brood.

However, I did have a common thread escape like an air bubble from my brain yesterday. It happened when I finally gave myself a moment of pure thought. I rolled it around on my tongue like a piece of chocolate and let it melt in its sugary exquisiteness.

It started when I lead a women’s committee event at work where I brought in a psychologist – a mindfulness meditation expert – to do an informative session for about 150 women. Her guided meditation focused on a calm, peaceful lake. While I was meditating on the lake, here is what popped out of my subconscious, and I believe it is somehow a reflection of everything that has been happening so fast in my life lately:

When I was a little girl, I used to love to catch little toads. My dad fished a lot, and sometimes he would take us to this pond in the woods and we would find ways to entertain ourselves while he fished. It was a “secret” fishing spot smack in the middle of acres of woods in a state park, and we had to hike a pretty long trail to get there. It was a beautiful place, seemingly untouched. Often we would try to catch frogs for hours in the tall grass and muck with little luck, chasing them through the weeds. Sometimes we would try to find snails in the algae by the shore. Either way, it was the chase that entertained us.

When we did actually catch a frog, we didn’t really know what to do with it. It was like we had accomplished this great achievement, but now what? Usually we would hold it for a while, peering into the cracks of our fingers. We would precariously cup this scared wide-eyed little creature like we won a prize.

Eventually, when dad was done fishing and it was time to go home, we would have to open our hands and let the frog hop away. Every time, this would frustrate and sadden us incredibly. My dad would say, “No, you can’t take it home. This is its home.”

A catch-and-release fisherman, dad always would leave the environment the way he had found it. Plus, I’m sure mom would not have been happy had we brought home a new slimy pet.

Of course, the frog needed to stay in its natural environment to survive and thrive. It was a beautiful thing to our childish eyes, but we did not understand that it shouldn’t be captured, imprisoned, prodded with a child’s hand, or taken from its home. Eventually it will pee on you or even bite you (yes, both happened).