Mara almost got me yesterday. I must admit I spent at least two hours of my day pretty much destroyed.
Today is a new day, and everything will be fine. unfortunately there is no turning back to the day before yesterday. But yesterday taught me a lesson.
Sometimes it is when you are comfortable and happy that your personal Mara gets stronger. It finds the weakness, the loophole ... simply because you have let your guard down.
One thing I had to remind myself is that there is no ignoring or forgetting about what happened in my life almost a year ago. I can and have moved on, but it will still touch me in some way, shape, or form, for probably the rest of my life.
Yesterday it touched me in a way I didn't see coming, and that shook me pretty hard. But I have to keep reminding myself that I have moved forward, beyond the evil that was an everyday part of my life. There is no longer a hand around my ankle while I'm swimming up for air. Although I let that hand drown me for far too long, I've wrestled free. It's gone - for good. And I thank God every day for giving me the strength to get out.
Yes, I will feel the ghost hand's presence in the water. I may be affected financially, physically, emotionally, for longer than I anticipated. But all I can do is keep moving forward, keep making good choices about who I let into my life, and keep my head above water. Keep growing, and learning from my mistakes, and being the loving person that I am. I can only move upward from here.
I also did a couple of strategic things that helped me when Mara was present yesterday. I prayed for what I have, rather than what I had lost. It was really hard, because I was feeling horrible. But I sat down and looked around me, thanking God for things like a roof, a cat, food, water, my faith, the unyielding love of those around me. I forced myself to focus on a small ray of light above me while sitting in what felt like a rock-bottom hole. And it helped.
With everything else I've been through and the fact that I'm still here, I knew that I would be okay.
I found the below quote at Ron Hutchcraft Ministries, a bible website I stumbled upon. It's within a passage about God never giving you more than you can handle.
"Your Father loves you. Your Father knows what you can handle. He knows what He can trust you with. There's something much bigger, something much more eternal going on here than you can possibly imagine, maybe even a contest over you between the devil and God Himself. Carry your burden faithfully, with undiminished allegiance to your Lord and daily downloading of the mighty grace of God."
A contest over you between the devil and God himself!
Wow.
I've heard the idea of God not giving you more than you can handle, but never thought of the grand plan in that way. Sometimes life really feels like just that - like you're caught in the middle of the war between God and the devil.
These periods of love and pain interspersed. Like a cyclical tug and a pull of beauty and pain going back and forth with the times. Such is life.
I know one thing - If there is anything at all I can do, I will not let God lose this battle. And I still consider myself very incredibly lucky, for the angels he's sent to fight by my side.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Just another poem about love
What I was waiting for is here, it’s now,
And all is well.
The clock has stopped ticking in this quiet room.
It’s not attention-seeking, or your looks, or any other convoluted reason to conjure up love.
Although every bit of you is beautiful.
It’s your kindness that never wavers.
The way I see myself reflected in your eyes.
The electric pulse I feel in my stomach when I hear your voice.
Or how when I first glimpse your smiling face,
I feel like I’m home.
It’s the grace I feel in wanting to make you happy,
because of this happiness you create in me
And the peace in knowing
The soft skin of your cheek will touch mine
For as long as I let it.
And all is well.
The clock has stopped ticking in this quiet room.
It’s not attention-seeking, or your looks, or any other convoluted reason to conjure up love.
Although every bit of you is beautiful.
It’s your kindness that never wavers.
The way I see myself reflected in your eyes.
The electric pulse I feel in my stomach when I hear your voice.
Or how when I first glimpse your smiling face,
I feel like I’m home.
It’s the grace I feel in wanting to make you happy,
because of this happiness you create in me
And the peace in knowing
The soft skin of your cheek will touch mine
For as long as I let it.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Just Smile :)
I'm really happy lately.
You might be thinking, well, good for you. But as I'm in this happiness, I've been studying it. Like I overthink and pick apart everything else, I also pick apart my own happiness.
And what I've realized is that happiness is not at all purely a biological emotion. Happiness is an attitude, a behavior. You can CHOOSE to be happy, and something about choosing to be happy on your own and having control over it makes that happiness even more delicious. It makes you feel on top of the world, like nothing can touch you.
I also think it's a skill that has to be learned, and a lot of it is learned through adversity. There is nothing like hitting rock bottom and knowing you have nothing else to lose, and then pulling through it, to show you that everything's going to be okay no matter what happens. You've lost everything you thought you knew, yet God is here, and he's been here all along. You are still here. So why sweat anything from here on out? All that is accomplished by worrying, anger and depression is making yourself sick and spreading that sickness to others. Choosing to smile through rough times is a beautiful thing. It is a human representation of God's beauty. I believe people need to embrace it more often.
A few days ago I was getting ready to get on a plane for a work conference and as soon as I walked up to the counter, three airline representatives with stern faces greeted me with "we have bad news."
It was obvious that they were there as a unified front to take a beating from however many passengers they would have to inform about our canceled flight. Having traveled quite a bit for work, I've often had to deal with canceled and delayed flights. To tell you the truth, having delays while traveling is a minor inconvenience when you are traveling alone. When you are with 30 teenagers (how I often travel for work), it's a much more frustrating issue (but still, not the end of the world). So if it happens when I'm alone, I always feel blessed that it's just me. And to tell you the truth, I would rather airlines cancel flights due to weather or mechanical issues rather than put passengers in an unsafe situation. Weather happens, mechanical failures happen - it is simply a part of life.
Plus, I just don't see the point in getting worked up and angry with airline representatives. It's not their fault your plans are delayed. And being angry does not magically make a new flight or plane appear out of the clouds just for you. It does not solve anything. Suck it up, and rearrange your plans. You will live.
You might be thinking, well, good for you. But as I'm in this happiness, I've been studying it. Like I overthink and pick apart everything else, I also pick apart my own happiness.
And what I've realized is that happiness is not at all purely a biological emotion. Happiness is an attitude, a behavior. You can CHOOSE to be happy, and something about choosing to be happy on your own and having control over it makes that happiness even more delicious. It makes you feel on top of the world, like nothing can touch you.
I also think it's a skill that has to be learned, and a lot of it is learned through adversity. There is nothing like hitting rock bottom and knowing you have nothing else to lose, and then pulling through it, to show you that everything's going to be okay no matter what happens. You've lost everything you thought you knew, yet God is here, and he's been here all along. You are still here. So why sweat anything from here on out? All that is accomplished by worrying, anger and depression is making yourself sick and spreading that sickness to others. Choosing to smile through rough times is a beautiful thing. It is a human representation of God's beauty. I believe people need to embrace it more often.
A few days ago I was getting ready to get on a plane for a work conference and as soon as I walked up to the counter, three airline representatives with stern faces greeted me with "we have bad news."
It was obvious that they were there as a unified front to take a beating from however many passengers they would have to inform about our canceled flight. Having traveled quite a bit for work, I've often had to deal with canceled and delayed flights. To tell you the truth, having delays while traveling is a minor inconvenience when you are traveling alone. When you are with 30 teenagers (how I often travel for work), it's a much more frustrating issue (but still, not the end of the world). So if it happens when I'm alone, I always feel blessed that it's just me. And to tell you the truth, I would rather airlines cancel flights due to weather or mechanical issues rather than put passengers in an unsafe situation. Weather happens, mechanical failures happen - it is simply a part of life.
Plus, I just don't see the point in getting worked up and angry with airline representatives. It's not their fault your plans are delayed. And being angry does not magically make a new flight or plane appear out of the clouds just for you. It does not solve anything. Suck it up, and rearrange your plans. You will live.
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