This is the air we breathe....

This morning, driving to work, for the tenth time since I started listening to the song Breathe, by Michael W. Smith, I was brought to tears. Something about that song speaks to me in a way that no other Christian music ever has.

And it made me realize something else pretty significant that came out of the tough times of the past two years of my life: The strengthening of my faith. It's not really the song that brings me to tears, it's the power of my faith.

You would not have caught me crying to a Christian song three years ago. Not to say I wasn't a Christian, or that I didn't believe in God. I was, and I did. I've always felt I had a strong personal relationship with God due to being raised in a religious household and attending Catholic Schools since kindergarten.

However, I don't think I fully understood my faith. It had been fed to me in a steady diet since I was a child; too young to know exactly what it was. It hadn't developed due to my own needs or feelings. Plus, I gotta admit, Catholic mass doesn't do the best job of evoking emotion or passion towards God. So, I was taught, and I ran with it. I believed it. But did I have a strong, emotional connection to it? I don't think so.

I knew God was there for me, I knew I could fall back on my faith, but I didn't interact with it. I didn't have the awe and reverence for it that I do now. I definitely didn't comprehend its power.

There were times before the divorce - a year before - where I was so miserable I didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't want to come home after work because I knew the day would be unhappy from when I walked in the door until I fell asleep. There were times I got in bed really early - like 8 p.m. - just so that I could usher the next day in quicker and walk out the door again.

Other times I would summon up some optimism and say "it's going to be okay!" running home full of hope and denial, cooking big dinners while he laid on the couch and Blackberry messaged with his girlfriend.

Atlantis

Lately I've found it hard to write.

I wouldn't call it writer's block or lack of creativity, but more of a calm serenity that doesn't quite lend itself to art.

I don't know why exactly, except for the fact that I'm happy. Sometimes pain can provide just the artistic poison to fuel some really great writing. But it can also provide some really cliche sappy stuff too (Believe me, I've thrown out many a pathetic poem from those times).

Last night, however, in my groggy half asleep content state after class, I wrote something I really like. And it was fueled by the absence of pain. Or rather, the journey of going through the pain and still landing in a painless place... if that makes any sense at all.

Basically, sometimes you have to go through the pain and mess to be able to get to where you want to be. When people make the joke "You can't get there from here!" There is actually a lot of truth to that. I couldn't have gotten to where I am now without going through what I did. I didn't even know I wanted to be here back then, so I certainly couldn't have mapped out a route.

To get to the place of your dreams you may need to take an alternate, unplanned, sometimes painful way. The twisted way.

But when you get through it, suddenly the darkness subsides and the place you were looking for appears. So that is what this poem is about.


I didn't believe this harbor existed.
I thought it a myth, a fable.
But I can see it now that I've arrived.
This is more than a soft place to rest,
more than a passing whim.
I'll drop anchor in this place I thought hopeless.
I'll dive into the blue-green shimmer below
And leave the rest behind.
The sun itself seems cold and distant compared to this.
I'll put down my compass,
Take off my life jacket and surrender.
This place would not be possible without you.
Stay here and swim with me.
We can believe the unbelievable, and walk on water.

All My Troubles Seemed So Far Away....

Mara almost got me yesterday. I must admit I spent at least two hours of my day pretty much destroyed.

Today is a new day, and everything will be fine. unfortunately there is no turning back to the day before yesterday. But yesterday taught me a lesson.

Sometimes it is when you are comfortable and happy that your personal Mara gets stronger. It finds the weakness, the loophole ... simply because you have let your guard down.

One thing I had to remind myself is that there is no ignoring or forgetting about what happened in my life almost a year ago. I can and have moved on, but it will still touch me in some way, shape, or form, for probably the rest of my life.

Yesterday it touched me in a way I didn't see coming, and that shook me pretty hard. But I have to keep reminding myself that I have moved forward, beyond the evil that was an everyday part of my life. There is no longer a hand around my ankle while I'm swimming up for air. Although I let that hand drown me for far too long, I've wrestled free. It's gone - for good. And I thank God every day for giving me the strength to get out.

Yes, I will feel the ghost hand's presence in the water. I may be affected financially, physically, emotionally, for longer than I anticipated. But all I can do is keep moving forward, keep making good choices about who I let into my life, and keep my head above water. Keep growing, and learning from my mistakes, and being the loving person that I am. I can only move upward from here.

I also did a couple of strategic things that helped me when Mara was present yesterday. I prayed for what I have, rather than what I had lost. It was really hard, because I was feeling horrible. But I sat down and looked around me, thanking God for things like a roof, a cat, food, water, my faith, the unyielding love of those around me. I forced myself to focus on a small ray of light above me while sitting in what felt like a rock-bottom hole. And it helped.

With everything else I've been through and the fact that I'm still here, I knew that I would be okay.

I found the below quote at Ron Hutchcraft Ministries, a bible website I stumbled upon. It's within a passage about God never giving you more than you can handle.

"Your Father loves you. Your Father knows what you can handle. He knows what He can trust you with. There's something much bigger, something much more eternal going on here than you can possibly imagine, maybe even a contest over you between the devil and God Himself. Carry your burden faithfully, with undiminished allegiance to your Lord and daily downloading of the mighty grace of God."

A contest over you between the devil and God himself!

Wow.

I've heard the idea of God not giving you more than you can handle, but never thought of the grand plan in that way. Sometimes life really feels like just that - like you're caught in the middle of the war between God and the devil.

These periods of love and pain interspersed. Like a cyclical tug and a pull of beauty and pain going back and forth with the times. Such is life.

I know one thing - If there is anything at all I can do, I will not let God lose this battle. And I still consider myself very incredibly lucky, for the angels he's sent to fight by my side.

Just another poem about love

What I was waiting for is here, it’s now,


And all is well.

The clock has stopped ticking in this quiet room.

It’s not attention-seeking, or your looks, or any other convoluted reason to conjure up love.

Although every bit of you is beautiful.

It’s your kindness that never wavers.

The way I see myself reflected in your eyes.

The electric pulse I feel in my stomach when I hear your voice.

Or how when I first glimpse your smiling face,

I feel like I’m home.

It’s the grace I feel in wanting to make you happy,

because of this happiness you create in me

And the peace in knowing

The soft skin of your cheek will touch mine

For as long as I let it.

Just Smile :)

I'm really happy lately.

You might be thinking, well, good for you. But as I'm in this happiness, I've been studying it. Like I overthink and pick apart everything else, I also pick apart my own happiness.

And what I've realized is that happiness is not at all purely a biological emotion. Happiness is an attitude, a behavior. You can CHOOSE to be happy, and something about choosing to be happy on your own and having control over it makes that happiness even more delicious. It makes you feel on top of the world, like nothing can touch you.

I also think it's a skill that has to be learned, and a lot of it is learned through adversity. There is nothing like hitting rock bottom and knowing you have nothing else to lose, and then pulling through it, to show you that everything's going to be okay no matter what happens. You've lost everything you thought you knew, yet God is here, and he's been here all along. You are still here. So why sweat anything from here on out? All that is accomplished by worrying, anger and depression is making yourself sick and spreading that sickness to others. Choosing to smile through rough times is a beautiful thing. It is a human representation of God's beauty. I believe people need to embrace it more often.

A few days ago I was getting ready to get on a plane for a work conference and as soon as I walked up to the counter, three airline representatives with stern faces greeted me with "we have bad news."

It was obvious  that they were there as a unified front to take a beating from however many passengers they would have to inform about our canceled flight. Having traveled quite a bit for work, I've often had to deal with canceled and delayed flights. To tell you the truth, having delays while traveling is a minor inconvenience when you are traveling alone. When you are with 30 teenagers (how I often travel for work), it's a much more frustrating issue (but still, not the end of the world). So if it happens when I'm alone, I always feel blessed that it's just me. And to tell you the truth, I would rather airlines cancel flights due to weather or mechanical issues rather than put passengers in an unsafe situation. Weather happens, mechanical failures happen - it is simply a part of life.

Plus, I just don't see the point in getting worked up and angry with airline representatives. It's not their fault your plans are delayed. And being angry does not magically make a new flight or plane appear out of the clouds just for you. It does not solve anything. Suck it up, and rearrange your plans. You will live.