A Very Angry Bird

Last week, Kyle and I (my fiance) decided to go see the movie Pirates of the Caribbean 4 in 3D. Pretty good movie (I am a huge Johnny Depp fan), but it turned out to be a semi-bad experience.


Let me tell you why this innocent night out at the movies to see Johnny Depp act like a drunken pirate turned into a bad experience.


Kyle and I got there really early. We were on our way back from looking at a 14-person tent at Target (that's a story for another day). So we were done shopping and there was no need to return home on the other side of town before the movie.


We showed up 20 minutes early, got our snacks and, as the only people in the movie theater, commenced to pulling out our phones and doing the only thing sensible people could think of doing when faced with 20 minutes of waiting -- playing Angry Birds and laughing about one another's defeats.


We were just passing time before the movie, very innocently I might add, with our phones on silent.


First, a note about Angry Birds.


I am NOT a gamer. I really don't like games because I am usually not good at them and they make me anxious. Not on cell phones, PlayStation, or anywhere. I can totally conquer Scrabble, but hand me a Xbox controller and I'll drive off a building. But Kyle would play Angry Birds for hours, and upon a curious glance one day, I thought it looked kinda fun with the animals and all.


So I tried it.


And anyone who has tried this game knows the end of the story. I was immediately hooked and now have an insatiable need to kill monkeys in my spare time.


Does it piss me off? Yes. Especially when those spider monkeys try and climb back up the box or branch and then shake their heads like they are laughing at me.

Am I good at it? Not really. Sometimes it takes me an hour to get through one level.


Do I keep playing it anyway? Yes. I can't help myself.


So there I am, a few days a week, in my supposedly relaxing evening lull, randomly yelling at the phone and getting ready to throw it across the room, because despite my awesome slingshot skills there is still one monkey left, cowarding under cement bricks and boards and laughing at me because I'm out of birds.


Kyle and I often joke about our Angry Birds addiction. We have a phrase around the household: "Families that play Angry Birds together stay together."


But anyway. I digress.


Soon the previews started, people trickled in and the theater was about halfway full. Through my peripheral vision, I spied a weird old man sitting behind us and to our left. It was obvious he was staring in our direction. Like I usually do when weird old men stare, I ignored him.


Let me explain just a few of the top reasons I call him "weird:"


1.) He was wearing a red plaid flannel shirt that looked like it came from CVS and a hat pulled down far over his hair - hair that was strangely straight, blond, messy, and wig-like.


2.) He was VERY tan, like an orangey-brown tan, even though he was old and wrinkly. I am going to guess about 65 years old.


3.) He looked drunk. He had glazed crazy-eyes and slurred speech.


A couple of minutes later, the little Sprint ad came on the movie screen that says to please "silence your phones - no texting or talking." (It did not say "no Angry Birds-playing," although it would have been funny if it did).


The movie had not started and the lights had not dimmed yet, so we continued to play. I am one of those people that hates when people use cell phones during movies, so I was prepared to turn my phone off immediately when those credits started rolling.


Suddenly I hear grumbling from behind us to our left, something to the effect of: "These idiots don't know how to read.....blah blah, something or other....cell phones....."


Kyle did not hear it, lost in his Angry Bird oblivion.


I chose to ignore it, once again, thinking maybe this crazy surfer-hunter-wigman will shutup.





A few seconds later, the old man sits up real straight, leans over with big eyes, and taps on Kyle's shoulder.


I tensed up with an oh-crap-yeah-here-we-go-this-is-not-going-to-be-good  feeling you get in these kinds of situations.


"EX-CUSE me," he says loudly as Kyle turns around (and so do others in nearby rows).


"Yes?" Kyle asks politely, probably thinking the man had some sort of valid question like; "Can you pick up my car keys, they slid under your seat?"

But no.

"Do you know the ending of this movie?" The big-eyed man-freak says.

"What....uh, no," Kyle answers, confused.

Then the man retorts what he probably thinks is a very slick punch line.

"Do you want to tell me how it ends, because I don't know, so you better put your cell phones away! It said right there no texting!"


As if the man hadn't already lost his credibility due to his appearance, now he was accusing us of being a couple of teens texting during a movie, which I resented, because not only had the movie not started, but we were very obviously sliding our fingers across our touch screens to slingshot rabid spider monkeys, not texting.  Duh.


Now who's the idiot? Did he even know what a smartphone was?


Let's just say he sincerely was upset about our cell phone use, because he really likes previews. Why didn't he just ask us to turn them off politely? Why come up with a half-cocked, sarcastic question that just made him look dumb because the story didn't really work?


At this point half the movie theater was looking in our direction.


Kyle was calling the man sir a lot, and telling him sternly but politely that the movie had not started yet, and that we'll put away our cell phones when the movie started. I put mine away because there was no point in trying to reason with a drunk freak who is a few elevators short of the top floor.


Besides, the monkeys had already annoyed me enough for the night.


And the old man, who obviously came with the man sitting directly behind him, kept grumbling loudly and making a scene while we ignored him and eventually the movie started. His friend behind him said something like "It's blinding me!" (Again, the lights were not turned off yet)


In my head, I was livid.  I was picturing what it would be like to chuck my water bottle at his freak face while telling him to mind his own business, with a few carefully placed F-bombs thrown in for dramatic effect.


Instead, I asked myself, WWJD with this mentally challenged old man? I tend to side with peace in these kinds of situations, and I was glad Kyle did too. I don't lower myself to people's angry outbursts. He did enough to make himself look stupid. And an all-out movie theater brawl is not what all those people in the theater bought movie tickets to see.


It was still strange though. I felt like we had been Punked, or on Candid Camera or something. Sorta put a damper on my movie night.


Guess what? The old man and his friend didn't stay for the movie. They left two thirds of the way in (more proof that he was weird). So ironically we got to see the end of the movie after all and he didn't. Must not have cared that much in the first place.


To top off that experience, this week we went to see Hangover II and sat through a baby babbling loudly about three rows behind us for at least a third of the movie. Who brings a baby to a movie that features drinking and drugs, naked lady-boy strippers, and severed fingers? At 10 p.m.? REALLY?




What do you think about movie etiquette?




Is it okay to play Angry Birds, quietly, during the previews, when the lights are still on?




Have you ever brought a baby to an R-rated movie?




Do you like killing monkeys and pigs in your spare time?




P.S. Hangover II was a waste of time.




Until Next time....