My favorite saying....for the new year :)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.



There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”


-Marianne Morrison

Thanksgiving

2010 is almost over, and with it, a bittersweet reflection of the last year. I'll be glad to say good riddens to this year, but I'm excited about all the wonderful things that 2011 has in store. This holiday season brings more nostalgia and hope than I've felt in a long, long time.

The great thing about difficult periods in your life is that they always have an end. Time does not stop for anyone, even if it feels like it when you are stuck in a bad place.

One way to get over difficult times as they are happening is to remember what you are thankful for.Thanksgiving is a great reminder to focus on the positives in your life. If you have to, make a list. Nothing is too small. A chocolate bar, for example, may seem a silly thing to feel thankful for, but there are many unfortunate people out there who don't have chocolate in their lives (can you imagine?!)

Since I like to practice what I preach, I've made my own list below. Have a great holiday :)

Just a few things I am very thankful for:

• The clouds outside my office window - blue skies in November!
• Christmas trees, and all the symbolic, memorable treasures we decorate them with.
• My boyfriend, who renewed my faith and trust in goodness.
• My best friend, who bought me a wedding-designer expensive cake for my birthday.
• Hot chocolate with marshmallows, especially after frolicking around in the snow.
• Moments when suddenly everything starts to make sense.
• Knowledge - the quest for it, the acquiring of it, and the eye-opening aspects of it.
• People who surprise you by how well they know you.
• My mom, for packing up everything in my home when I was too despondent to be of much help.
• My dad, for spending tireless hours upkeeping my house and yard this summer.
• Days when you get unexpected good news.
• Laredo and Lexi, and the unjudging, loyal love that animals give so easily.
• Peace and safety. Mostly in my personal life, but in general too.
• Meijer moose tracks chocolate ice cream.
• My realtor, for her persistence and her empathy.
• My lawyer, who charged me less than half what he usually charges, and the friend who sent me to him.
• Little kids' laughter and how they remind us that happiness is a natural state.
• Lounge pants and chamomile tea, green tea, black tea....oh, any kind of tea, with my tea buddy ;)
• Short weeks at work. 'Nuff said.
• The therapist I saw for a while during my ordeal, and her painful but necessary honesty.
• White sand beaches, shells, and sunshine.
• The jail clerk who slipped me a free copy of my police report when he was supposed to charge me.
• Students who thank me for my help.
• The friend who drove my Uhaul and moved every piece of furniture into my apartment this summer, put together my bed, and carried in my new TV.
• My classmates, who supportively witnessed the tumultuous story that is the past year of my life.
• The judge who refused his request that the protective order be released early.
• Famous Dave's tasty array of barbecue sauce choices :)
• My boss, for toughening my skin and teaching me how to speak up for myself.
• Spinach salad with strawberries, bleu cheese, and almonds.
• Being more than halfway done with my masters degree.
• My iPod Touch that I won this year.
• Redefining life, which can encompass some or all of the following: New realities, turning points, and not looking back. All are good things in the end.
• Laughing really hard with someone who totally gets the joke.
• Notre Dame healthcare and benefits.
• Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Sweet honesty.
• My grandparents, who have been married more than 60 years.
• Student workers who do all the typing and filing.
• The power of self-love.
• People who push you to be better people and hold you accountable.
• Sleeping in, with coffee to follow.
• Comedic TV shows: The Office, 30 Rock, Modern Family, Conan on TBS
• Learning to not sweat the small stuff
• What it feels like after a long workout and hot shower
• Giving of yourself, and knowing someday it will come full circle

and so much more....

This is the air we breathe....

This morning, driving to work, for the tenth time since I started listening to the song Breathe, by Michael W. Smith, I was brought to tears. Something about that song speaks to me in a way that no other Christian music ever has.

And it made me realize something else pretty significant that came out of the tough times of the past two years of my life: The strengthening of my faith. It's not really the song that brings me to tears, it's the power of my faith.

You would not have caught me crying to a Christian song three years ago. Not to say I wasn't a Christian, or that I didn't believe in God. I was, and I did. I've always felt I had a strong personal relationship with God due to being raised in a religious household and attending Catholic Schools since kindergarten.

However, I don't think I fully understood my faith. It had been fed to me in a steady diet since I was a child; too young to know exactly what it was. It hadn't developed due to my own needs or feelings. Plus, I gotta admit, Catholic mass doesn't do the best job of evoking emotion or passion towards God. So, I was taught, and I ran with it. I believed it. But did I have a strong, emotional connection to it? I don't think so.

I knew God was there for me, I knew I could fall back on my faith, but I didn't interact with it. I didn't have the awe and reverence for it that I do now. I definitely didn't comprehend its power.

There were times before the divorce - a year before - where I was so miserable I didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't want to come home after work because I knew the day would be unhappy from when I walked in the door until I fell asleep. There were times I got in bed really early - like 8 p.m. - just so that I could usher the next day in quicker and walk out the door again.

Other times I would summon up some optimism and say "it's going to be okay!" running home full of hope and denial, cooking big dinners while he laid on the couch and Blackberry messaged with his girlfriend.

Atlantis

Lately I've found it hard to write.

I wouldn't call it writer's block or lack of creativity, but more of a calm serenity that doesn't quite lend itself to art.

I don't know why exactly, except for the fact that I'm happy. Sometimes pain can provide just the artistic poison to fuel some really great writing. But it can also provide some really cliche sappy stuff too (Believe me, I've thrown out many a pathetic poem from those times).

Last night, however, in my groggy half asleep content state after class, I wrote something I really like. And it was fueled by the absence of pain. Or rather, the journey of going through the pain and still landing in a painless place... if that makes any sense at all.

Basically, sometimes you have to go through the pain and mess to be able to get to where you want to be. When people make the joke "You can't get there from here!" There is actually a lot of truth to that. I couldn't have gotten to where I am now without going through what I did. I didn't even know I wanted to be here back then, so I certainly couldn't have mapped out a route.

To get to the place of your dreams you may need to take an alternate, unplanned, sometimes painful way. The twisted way.

But when you get through it, suddenly the darkness subsides and the place you were looking for appears. So that is what this poem is about.


I didn't believe this harbor existed.
I thought it a myth, a fable.
But I can see it now that I've arrived.
This is more than a soft place to rest,
more than a passing whim.
I'll drop anchor in this place I thought hopeless.
I'll dive into the blue-green shimmer below
And leave the rest behind.
The sun itself seems cold and distant compared to this.
I'll put down my compass,
Take off my life jacket and surrender.
This place would not be possible without you.
Stay here and swim with me.
We can believe the unbelievable, and walk on water.

All My Troubles Seemed So Far Away....

Mara almost got me yesterday. I must admit I spent at least two hours of my day pretty much destroyed.

Today is a new day, and everything will be fine. unfortunately there is no turning back to the day before yesterday. But yesterday taught me a lesson.

Sometimes it is when you are comfortable and happy that your personal Mara gets stronger. It finds the weakness, the loophole ... simply because you have let your guard down.

One thing I had to remind myself is that there is no ignoring or forgetting about what happened in my life almost a year ago. I can and have moved on, but it will still touch me in some way, shape, or form, for probably the rest of my life.

Yesterday it touched me in a way I didn't see coming, and that shook me pretty hard. But I have to keep reminding myself that I have moved forward, beyond the evil that was an everyday part of my life. There is no longer a hand around my ankle while I'm swimming up for air. Although I let that hand drown me for far too long, I've wrestled free. It's gone - for good. And I thank God every day for giving me the strength to get out.

Yes, I will feel the ghost hand's presence in the water. I may be affected financially, physically, emotionally, for longer than I anticipated. But all I can do is keep moving forward, keep making good choices about who I let into my life, and keep my head above water. Keep growing, and learning from my mistakes, and being the loving person that I am. I can only move upward from here.

I also did a couple of strategic things that helped me when Mara was present yesterday. I prayed for what I have, rather than what I had lost. It was really hard, because I was feeling horrible. But I sat down and looked around me, thanking God for things like a roof, a cat, food, water, my faith, the unyielding love of those around me. I forced myself to focus on a small ray of light above me while sitting in what felt like a rock-bottom hole. And it helped.

With everything else I've been through and the fact that I'm still here, I knew that I would be okay.

I found the below quote at Ron Hutchcraft Ministries, a bible website I stumbled upon. It's within a passage about God never giving you more than you can handle.

"Your Father loves you. Your Father knows what you can handle. He knows what He can trust you with. There's something much bigger, something much more eternal going on here than you can possibly imagine, maybe even a contest over you between the devil and God Himself. Carry your burden faithfully, with undiminished allegiance to your Lord and daily downloading of the mighty grace of God."

A contest over you between the devil and God himself!

Wow.

I've heard the idea of God not giving you more than you can handle, but never thought of the grand plan in that way. Sometimes life really feels like just that - like you're caught in the middle of the war between God and the devil.

These periods of love and pain interspersed. Like a cyclical tug and a pull of beauty and pain going back and forth with the times. Such is life.

I know one thing - If there is anything at all I can do, I will not let God lose this battle. And I still consider myself very incredibly lucky, for the angels he's sent to fight by my side.