Tuesday, September 25, 2012

15 pet peeves from a pessimistic optimist

Okay, So I know that my whole premise for this little journal blog is optimism, defeating our obstacles to success, blah blah blah ...

But today, I am feeling like a good ol' rant is in store. The older I get, the less patience I have for inconsiderate, mean, or ignorant behavior. Some things have been bothering me lately (about human kind in general), and so here I vent.

1.) Please please, please, good God do not abuse animals - and yes, that includes throwing rocks at geese and chasing them while I am trying to enjoy my scenic lake run. Someone should throw a rock at you and see how you like it.

2.) If you consistently mumble, refuse to look directly at me when you are talking to me, or talk under your breath, do not be offended or upset when I do not understand you and have to ask for clarification. That is your issue. Speak up.

3.) a.) I am sorry if you only feel vindicated in life by stirring up conflict and drama and looking at every situation in a negative light. I am a lover, not a fighter. If you are still upset over something that happened at work three years ago that had nothing to do with me, too bad for you. That victim mentality must be fun for you. I won't be attacked when I'm just trying to do my job and help young people to the best of my ability. You are a poison to my career and everyone around you. b.) If you think we are going to get along by starting a fight with me about small insignificant things every day, that is not sustainable for the long run. Good luck with that.

4.) Do not trust people who gossip. That includes work, friends, and sometimes your own family. Also, do not trust gossip when you hear it. Many times, it's not even accurate. The sad part is, the people who gossip all the time actually think they are getting away with it, except we all know who "that" person is, and we don't tell them anything.

5.) Now that God has brought good things into my life, some people seem upset about that. All I can say is I feel sorry for them and now I know who is not really on my side. They say you find out who really cares when you go through hard times, but the same can be said about really good times. If you can't find it within yourself to genuinely celebrate my success with me, just as I would for you, that is a major problem (with you). Everything I have, I have received through prayer, hard work, good choices, sweat and discipline. It's not easy, but over time, and after having gone through Hell and back, I am in a good place, and I deserve it. You don't like that, you can kick rocks. Oh, and get out of my life.

6.) Don't repeat what I just said and tell me to do it, when I just told you I was going to do it, as if you need to feel like you are in control of my every move. Don't repeat an idea I had and pass it off as your idea later. That is freakin' infuriating and I will act accordingly.

7.) Don't tell a racist joke around me, or engage in some other kind of stereotypical name calling, etc. I will give you the evil eye, possibly call you out in front of everyone, and make a mental note to not keep company with you anymore. No, it is not okay. Grow up.

8.) Don't show off something that is not yours to show off. Don't steal my thunder. If I work hard for something, I decide when and how I want to show it off. It's even worse if you go behind my back and I'm not even invited to show off my success. Goes back to #4 gossip and #5 haters. I find this pathetic.

9.) This one goes out to "those" men age 50 and older that I sometimes encounter at work: Do not treat me like a child and call me "darling" or "honey." Do not compliment/make constant comments about my clothes or how well they "fit my body style." Or how pretty my eyes are. We are at an office at an internationally known research university, not at the Irish pub down the street. Do not underestimate my work savvy and the fact that I will smile and continue to let you think I am a dumb blond and completely blow you out of the water and make you look stupid when it's time to get down to business.

10.) Do not get angry at me or act weird when I only want to have one or two drinks, or don't feel like drinking at all. Do not pre-pour my wine or cocktail at a dinner party so I feel like I have to drink it, even if I wasn't planning on drinking. I might be on a diet, I meet be trying to get pregnant, I might be driving. Either way, it's none of your business and you should not just "assume" I need to drink just because you are.

11.) If the only topic of discussion you have with me is to ask me about everything you have seen on my Facebook wall in the past six months, we obviously aren't that close. Find something else to talk about.

12.) If you miss work constantly and give a million "sick" excuses (like once a week), we know you are not sick. Really. Unless you have some sort of chronic illness you have not shared with us, you are not sick that much. Just tell us you need a personal day, or you have meetings outside the office or something. Seriously. Just. Stop. I don't feel good either every day, but I still show up.

13.) Do not continue to hold things from the past over my head, like embarrassing things I did as a kid, or mistakes I made as a teenager. That was more than ten years ago, I am not that person, and it seriously concerns me that you somehow feel the need to continue to put me down in this manner. In fact, I've made some serious accomplishments in the past ten years, and that is what you should focus on.

14.) Do not make negative comments about my family, my husband, or anyone I love. I don't care who you are, it is uncalled for and makes me immediately defensive of them. If you are not me, you don't have a right. It is especially unkind if you are one of those people I love making comments about other people I love. That puts me in bad position.

15.) If you do not learn from your mistakes, and continue to repeat the same behavior over and over, you might as well bang your head against the wall because you are only hurting yourself.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Ten feet away

I hide in the bathtub this evening.
Sipping berry-tart red wine.
I'm swimming in sweet smelling joyous bubbles, like marshmallows in the steam
Tiny opulescent arcs stick to my my hair, my nose, my toes.

I listen to folksy music,
with a wet remote in one hand.
Guitars, sad women with tales to tell,
Poetry set to music.

I throw in a few worship tunes for good measure
In my small bathroom; A barricade of  peace
Four walls of contentment, a ceiling of recovery,
A solid door of comfort.

I think there of writing and how I should do it more often
I think of life, and love, and nostalgia.
I find a shred of my creative former self.
It's amazing what you can find with steaming hot water over your ears.

Outside the door shouts the
jin-jin-jin-chun-chin
of the automatic machine guns and the click of re-loading
The zoot-zoon of the flash bombs, the light so bright.

The fire, blood and barking attack dogs.
The yelling, screaming sounds of men in battle.
With surround sound, the living room is a war.
That is, the war of the video game my husband has been playing for the past two hours.

It is a boys' game for a grown up problem.
A spilling  overflow of testosterone.
A strangely realistic re-enactment-
of wars in strange lands, of past times, of real terror.

Our favorite things to do
somehow as distant as two rooms in the same house,
Soaking behind my door of comfort,
ten feet away.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

This I believe


I believe I sit at Jesus’s feet every day.
Looking up in pure awe and wonder... 
sometimes in utter confusion.

I know I must do the best I can.
I know I have to allow compassion to guide even the hardest of decisions.

I believe this life is worth it
The pain, the joy
The love received and love lost…
I believe it’s all worth it.

I believe everyone has a great struggle
And we need to remember this when we hate, or feel jealously, or judge.
We may not see it, or know it, or feel it
But a struggle is within all of us.

I believe you can’t spend too much time in worry and fear.
You must be a rock
You must shelter the storm with your resolve.

Anticipate the sunrise - Be steady, be still.

I believe you must have hope
Without it, there is nothing.
Material things slip from our fingers
People come and go,
but hope is eternal

I believe inner peace is possible.
You just have to want it bad enough.
Accept nothing less from yourself.

This I believe.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The New Year!!!!

I can't believe it's almost 2012.


This year has passed by literally faster than any year of my life (at least those I was old enough to remember).

I'm not sure why, I guess probably because there was so much change and I was just so busy. I learned so much in 2011. The last couple of years have pretty much defined the person I am today.

Just a few things I've done this year:
Became a runner
Learned to scuba dive and dove with sharks
Got engaged and married
Got my masters degree
Traveled further than I've ever traveled, pretty much across the globe
Became debt-free and financially secure
Did my first presentation at a regional conference
Completed my first Triathlon...then did another one
Completed my first 5K....then did another one

Etcetera, etcetera.

I can probably think of more but it's making me tired just looking at it! It's been a wonderful year, and a year of my life I will never forget. I am so incredibly blessed. I know that God had all of this in the plans for my life, and more in 2012. I just needed to understand what he was offering to me and learn how to respect my life.

I am finally in a place where I can do his work: meaning I am aware and grateful and safe - things that can have a major difference in your daily well-being and health.

I no longer care about what people think about me, because I am confident in myself. I know that I am making the right decisions and I am comfortable with that. I do not participate in gossip, drama, or any other negativity that surrounds us. I am not so sensitive - I know how to carefully react to others and how to guard my emotions. I am careful about my actions and choices.

Looking back, there are many choices I wish I wouldn't have made, and things I wish I could re-do. For example, if I had the choice to re-do high school I would do it all completely differently. But I wasn't in a place emotionally to do it then. There are things I didn't know. I love myself and now I feel sorry for the me I was as a child and in high school. Instead of feeling embarrassed or ashamed of my actions, I feel sorry for that rebellious girl and I have compassion for her. I understand why she acted the way she did.

Now I understand how she then, later, got caught up with a rebellious young man and married him. Another choice I wish I could take back (and I did, by divorcing him), but again, I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't been through that. I am just so glad I was able to grow and learn and come out of it all (relatively) unscathed.

All the information I have now arms me with what I need to make a positive difference in the world. I know how to help my students, and I have the information I need to be a great parent someday as well. God was carrying me then, just as he has carried me through the last couple years of my life.

Thank you so much to all of my wonderful family and friends who have also surrounded me during these last few years!

Thank you to my wonderful husband, Kyle, who has given so much of himself to make me happy: Safety, comfort, friendship, laughter, and so much love.

I am so looking forward to 2012.


Blackbird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise



Black bird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

all your life

you were only waiting for this moment to be free



Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.



Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.



Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life


You were only waiting for this moment to arise,

You were only waiting for this moment to arise,

A poem from the past

I got in the way
As you took out your rage on
the walls, the futon, the floor.
What was once my cell phone is now your weapon.

"Go home," I repeated, over and over.
"This is my home," you screamed, sobbing drunkenly.
"Please stop," I cried quietly, my face rubbed into the carpet.

How surprisingly together and peaceful the room was afterward
Almost untouched,
As if no nightmare had occurred. 
Nothing but a picture askew, and pictures can be straightened

Swollen flesh, not as quickly remedied.
The mind, it never forgets.
And in my heart, a picture hangs forever askew.