Future of the blog

All frogs aside, as I continue to head in a direction of mindful peace, I am going to continue writing this blog a bit differently than I have in the past.

When I started this, I was in a place of tragedy upon tragedy, so most of the posts were about overcoming tragedy. Even long before my marriage ended, it seemed I was in a constant place of crisis (and I was).

I heard somewhere that if you live your life and act in ways not in accordance with your thoughts or beliefs, you will never be happy (actually I think this is a Buddhist belief, maybe from the Tao) and that is what I was doing – my actions were not in accordance with my beliefs. I was living in a place and in a life I no longer belonged in. The person I was with did not even have the same beliefs as I did – about anything. Including how we lived our day-to-day lives. Because of trying to do what was “right” and following through on commitments, I tried to make a round peg fit in a square hole. The longer I kept up this charade, the more I became unhappy. I became an expert on changing my thoughts to make myself “feel” happy and finding ways to improve my own life, but what I didn’t realize is that the foundation of the house had crumbled, and with it I was denying myself the happiness that was waiting out there for me. No matter how many coats of paint or reinforcement I tried to smather on the situation, those walls were destined to fall. And they fell hard.

Of course, after the walls fell I still had plenty more crisises to deal with. I was learning and using techniques to deal with the crisis bit by bit. As I found a safer place where I was recovering from the situation and moving away from it (with legal protection from HIM), that is when I started to write. Most of my writing dealt with my suffering and techniques to help others overcome it. And it was also therapeutic for me to write down my thoughts.

However, I am not in a place anymore of tragedy upon tragedy rocking the metaphorical boat of my daily life. I have pieced my life back together, over a year later. I am still taking new steps to change my life for the better day after day. I am honest with myself now, and my beliefs and actions are in accordance. Amazing how long it took to climb out of my difficult situation, yet how quickly wonderful things now fall upon my life like raindrops, drenching me in blessings.

So, the blog will be thoughts, things happening in my life, entertaining stories, travels, and any other poetic musing I feel the need to share. Some entries will still have Mara undertones as Mara is always present but not controlling my life, but it won’t be focused on Mara. This will help me to post more often – about happier things, lighter things, things consistent with my current life.

I hope you keep reading :)

As the snow banks melt, so does my heart

So much is happening in my life lately I can’t keep up on the blog. I usually have to have some sort of focus, a common thread, some nagging thought that keeps popping up in the dark of night or wee hours of the morning….a thought that starts making more sense in my head, turning into an idea that turns into a blog entry.


But lately I haven’t been able to focus my thoughts, reflect, or make sense of much because life is moving SO FAST. It’s not a bad thing, because all of the things happening so fast are good, positive things. Things I’d always dreamed of. (Just a few: I’m engaged to a wonderful man, almost all my debt is paid off, my old house is being sold, I’ve moved into a beautiful house, I’m in the best health of my life as I’m training for a triathlon, my masters degree is almost complete, we are planning a trip to Tahiti, etc. etc.)

Sometimes I tend to over-reflect, and over-emotionalize things. Sometimes it’s good to just let things happen, to remember that God is the wizard behind the curtain and you need not fret. His plan is unfolding before my eyes, and I’m amazed and in awe of it. I am like an audience member in my own movie theater – and I actually like the movie. I know that all is well. So again, it's not a bad thing that I haven't stopped to brood.

However, I did have a common thread escape like an air bubble from my brain yesterday. It happened when I finally gave myself a moment of pure thought. I rolled it around on my tongue like a piece of chocolate and let it melt in its sugary exquisiteness.

It started when I lead a women’s committee event at work where I brought in a psychologist – a mindfulness meditation expert – to do an informative session for about 150 women. Her guided meditation focused on a calm, peaceful lake. While I was meditating on the lake, here is what popped out of my subconscious, and I believe it is somehow a reflection of everything that has been happening so fast in my life lately:

When I was a little girl, I used to love to catch little toads. My dad fished a lot, and sometimes he would take us to this pond in the woods and we would find ways to entertain ourselves while he fished. It was a “secret” fishing spot smack in the middle of acres of woods in a state park, and we had to hike a pretty long trail to get there. It was a beautiful place, seemingly untouched. Often we would try to catch frogs for hours in the tall grass and muck with little luck, chasing them through the weeds. Sometimes we would try to find snails in the algae by the shore. Either way, it was the chase that entertained us.

When we did actually catch a frog, we didn’t really know what to do with it. It was like we had accomplished this great achievement, but now what? Usually we would hold it for a while, peering into the cracks of our fingers. We would precariously cup this scared wide-eyed little creature like we won a prize.

Eventually, when dad was done fishing and it was time to go home, we would have to open our hands and let the frog hop away. Every time, this would frustrate and sadden us incredibly. My dad would say, “No, you can’t take it home. This is its home.”

A catch-and-release fisherman, dad always would leave the environment the way he had found it. Plus, I’m sure mom would not have been happy had we brought home a new slimy pet.

Of course, the frog needed to stay in its natural environment to survive and thrive. It was a beautiful thing to our childish eyes, but we did not understand that it shouldn’t be captured, imprisoned, prodded with a child’s hand, or taken from its home. Eventually it will pee on you or even bite you (yes, both happened).

My favorite saying....for the new year :)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.



There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”


-Marianne Morrison

Thanksgiving

2010 is almost over, and with it, a bittersweet reflection of the last year. I'll be glad to say good riddens to this year, but I'm excited about all the wonderful things that 2011 has in store. This holiday season brings more nostalgia and hope than I've felt in a long, long time.

The great thing about difficult periods in your life is that they always have an end. Time does not stop for anyone, even if it feels like it when you are stuck in a bad place.

One way to get over difficult times as they are happening is to remember what you are thankful for.Thanksgiving is a great reminder to focus on the positives in your life. If you have to, make a list. Nothing is too small. A chocolate bar, for example, may seem a silly thing to feel thankful for, but there are many unfortunate people out there who don't have chocolate in their lives (can you imagine?!)

Since I like to practice what I preach, I've made my own list below. Have a great holiday :)

Just a few things I am very thankful for:

• The clouds outside my office window - blue skies in November!
• Christmas trees, and all the symbolic, memorable treasures we decorate them with.
• My boyfriend, who renewed my faith and trust in goodness.
• My best friend, who bought me a wedding-designer expensive cake for my birthday.
• Hot chocolate with marshmallows, especially after frolicking around in the snow.
• Moments when suddenly everything starts to make sense.
• Knowledge - the quest for it, the acquiring of it, and the eye-opening aspects of it.
• People who surprise you by how well they know you.
• My mom, for packing up everything in my home when I was too despondent to be of much help.
• My dad, for spending tireless hours upkeeping my house and yard this summer.
• Days when you get unexpected good news.
• Laredo and Lexi, and the unjudging, loyal love that animals give so easily.
• Peace and safety. Mostly in my personal life, but in general too.
• Meijer moose tracks chocolate ice cream.
• My realtor, for her persistence and her empathy.
• My lawyer, who charged me less than half what he usually charges, and the friend who sent me to him.
• Little kids' laughter and how they remind us that happiness is a natural state.
• Lounge pants and chamomile tea, green tea, black tea....oh, any kind of tea, with my tea buddy ;)
• Short weeks at work. 'Nuff said.
• The therapist I saw for a while during my ordeal, and her painful but necessary honesty.
• White sand beaches, shells, and sunshine.
• The jail clerk who slipped me a free copy of my police report when he was supposed to charge me.
• Students who thank me for my help.
• The friend who drove my Uhaul and moved every piece of furniture into my apartment this summer, put together my bed, and carried in my new TV.
• My classmates, who supportively witnessed the tumultuous story that is the past year of my life.
• The judge who refused his request that the protective order be released early.
• Famous Dave's tasty array of barbecue sauce choices :)
• My boss, for toughening my skin and teaching me how to speak up for myself.
• Spinach salad with strawberries, bleu cheese, and almonds.
• Being more than halfway done with my masters degree.
• My iPod Touch that I won this year.
• Redefining life, which can encompass some or all of the following: New realities, turning points, and not looking back. All are good things in the end.
• Laughing really hard with someone who totally gets the joke.
• Notre Dame healthcare and benefits.
• Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Sweet honesty.
• My grandparents, who have been married more than 60 years.
• Student workers who do all the typing and filing.
• The power of self-love.
• People who push you to be better people and hold you accountable.
• Sleeping in, with coffee to follow.
• Comedic TV shows: The Office, 30 Rock, Modern Family, Conan on TBS
• Learning to not sweat the small stuff
• What it feels like after a long workout and hot shower
• Giving of yourself, and knowing someday it will come full circle

and so much more....

This is the air we breathe....

This morning, driving to work, for the tenth time since I started listening to the song Breathe, by Michael W. Smith, I was brought to tears. Something about that song speaks to me in a way that no other Christian music ever has.

And it made me realize something else pretty significant that came out of the tough times of the past two years of my life: The strengthening of my faith. It's not really the song that brings me to tears, it's the power of my faith.

You would not have caught me crying to a Christian song three years ago. Not to say I wasn't a Christian, or that I didn't believe in God. I was, and I did. I've always felt I had a strong personal relationship with God due to being raised in a religious household and attending Catholic Schools since kindergarten.

However, I don't think I fully understood my faith. It had been fed to me in a steady diet since I was a child; too young to know exactly what it was. It hadn't developed due to my own needs or feelings. Plus, I gotta admit, Catholic mass doesn't do the best job of evoking emotion or passion towards God. So, I was taught, and I ran with it. I believed it. But did I have a strong, emotional connection to it? I don't think so.

I knew God was there for me, I knew I could fall back on my faith, but I didn't interact with it. I didn't have the awe and reverence for it that I do now. I definitely didn't comprehend its power.

There were times before the divorce - a year before - where I was so miserable I didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't want to come home after work because I knew the day would be unhappy from when I walked in the door until I fell asleep. There were times I got in bed really early - like 8 p.m. - just so that I could usher the next day in quicker and walk out the door again.

Other times I would summon up some optimism and say "it's going to be okay!" running home full of hope and denial, cooking big dinners while he laid on the couch and Blackberry messaged with his girlfriend.